When Meanness is Cool--Talking With Kids About Bullying

This year marks the 10 year anniversary of the shootings at Columbine High School in Colorado. As I sat and talked with my son about his day at school, the conversation turned to the topic of bullies, cliques, and fitting in. While I did my best to be objective and just listen, I found myself wondering just how much times have changed for school kids since that horrible day in 1994.

The culture of meanness is still very prevalent in junior high and high schools across America, and is slowly but surely trickling in to the elementary and middle schools too. Sadly, it seems very little has changed since Columbine.
For a time, the anti-bully bandwagon seemed like the cool thing on which to ride after the tradgedy in Colorado. It was a very PC, well-intentioned, Band-aid for an, unfortunately, larger, deeper wound that still oozes and festers today, a decade after the worst incident of youth violence in America. Why has this culture of meanness continued to thrive? Have we made the necessary changes within our children? Within ourselves? I don't have the answers to those questions, however, I may have an idea or two about what may be happening in society that allows a culture of meanness to exist.

Like a Band-aid that only covers and conceals the OUTSIDE problem, the anti-bully rallies, zero-tolerance rules, and feel-good assemblies failed to cure the underlying disease that continues to eat away at young children's self-esteem and perceptions of belonging.

Trying to fit in and be accepted is very important for middle-school age kids. If a girl doesn't wear the right shoes, or know the latest gossip, she risks being cast aside and shunned. High school kids face the same risks and sometimes, if they've been the butt of jokes or the outsiders for some time, their self esteem will obviously suffer. Is low self esteem enough to make a child want to kill? Some have asked this very question about the Columbine shooters:

...were the shooters actions provoked by the current unacceptance, stereotypes, and racial tension that occurs in schools and communities among young teens?

I have read a lot about the shooters and the anger they felt towards many of their peers. Whether or not they felt this angry BEFORE they entered high school is debatable, but one thing is clear--cliques and typical teenage mob mentality can be a very powerful force that can either make or break a child during their very formative teenage years, if they have parents that are not as connected as

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