Lesson 8: Relationship Readiness
Don't get bitter, get better
A friend once shared the following with me, "All relationships end, until one doesn't. That put it all in perspective for me. Letting go of unhealthy or unsatisfying relationships is useful so don't let the emotional baggage get you. Don't get bitter over what you've lost. Focus on what you want and that if you do the work, it will be better than you were capable of having before.
Making relationship decisions at this point may be premature for you or it may feel right. Take a look at all your relationships and see how you might upgrade them.
1. What do you most want from this relationship?
2. What do you most need from this relationship?
(The answers to 1 and 2 may not bear any resemblance to each other.)
3. What are your motives for wanting this relationship?
4. What does the current 'climate' of this relationship say about you?
5. What is the foundation of this relationship based on? (have you cleared up old, unhealthy relationship behavioural patterns that may land you right back where you are now?)
It is important to know what you want and why you want it. A therapist told me that she often advises her clients to draft a relationship wish list and tuck it away somewhere until they have met someone special, then retrieve it and see how the person stacks up. It may seem harsh, but let me share some thoughts with you. When you are in pain, your wish list will be tough. You will craft a list that seems next to impossible to fulfill - but it does contain your deepest relationship desires. And second, for people who I know personally who have created such a list, they have discovered that when they found that special someone, they matched the list perfectly (right down to things that seemed impossible.) Try it now. Ask for it all. You may be surprised what you receive.
I encourage you to explore your relationship history and make clear progress toward open and honest ones that demonstrate a genuine concern for the needs of both people.
You know when someone genuinely cares about you. It doesn't usually depend upon what they say, but how they treat you. It can be easy to get caught up in wanting to be with someone, especially if the separation was not your idea, but the truth is, transitional relationships have a difficult time surviving long term. Whatever your intentions, or theirs, the more time and distance you can put between yourself and your former partner the better. I realize that that statement flies in the face of preserving our egos. We all want to feel loved and lovable. But the question becomes, at what cost? You can find yourself in a worse situation than you left just for the sake of saying you have someone. In speaking with several people on the other side of a relationship ending, the pattern is fairly consistent. 'I went through a period of not wanting anyone, then a period of wanting anyone, then a maturing that allowed me to wait for the right one.' Be patient. If it is meant to be, you will find someone with whom you can share your best self.
