Lesson 8: Relationship Readiness
Which to keep, which to release
If there are children involved, you will have a continuing relationship with your ex-spouse and perhaps even your former in-laws. There will be times when pick-up times and drop-off times may place you squarely in the middle of family functions or events that used to include you. This can be very difficult for everyone. Regardless of your feelings or your comfort level, you will have to redefine that relationship for the sake of your children. One area that can be tricky to navigate is how to define levels of involvement with your former in-laws. What do you do in the event of an illness or death? Will you visit in the hospital or attend a funeral? If you have always had a good relationship with your in-laws can you still call or visit? What happens with the arrival of a significant other for your ex-spouse who may be trying to develop a relationship of their own?
Friends can be tricky business. I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be easier to divide them up in the settlement, too, so everyone would know where they stood. In many ways, people are just as uncomfortable with divorce as they are with death (even the ones who have experienced it themselves). They don't know what to say and therefore avoid you completely. Again, this leads to feelings of loss and only further contributes to your isolation.
Your own family may not provide the support you want or expect. When close relatives choose not to 'become involved' or not 'choose sides', it can send a very clear, although sometimes inaccurate, message. Perhaps it is safest to say that during this time, never assume who will remain in your circle and who will disappoint you.
So, let's take an inventory of how much you want the following people around (for each relationship, choose the level of importance they have for you, ranging from none to extremely important):
1. Your children
2. Your ex-spouse
3. Your former in-laws
4. Your parents and siblings
5. Your extended family
6. Shared friends (couples and singles)
7. Neighbours
8. Your co-workers
9. Your ex-spouse's co-workers
10.Church/community/group friends
11. Other (identify)
Based on their level of importance, now you can apply the gap analysis again. What is my current relationship with them (happy, sad, strained, non-existed, etc.); what do I want it to look like in the future (healthy, dynamic, ended, etc.), and what needs to happen to get me there?
It might be that you are now ready to let go of some relationships you never dreamed you would want gone. People move in and out of our lives, especially during times of transitions, to fulfill certain roles. Once those roles have been accomplished, they move on. Let them go. You have done the work you needed to do, and they have done the teaching. It is time for you both to continue on your separate paths. It's okay to release them and you from the relationship.
