Lesson 4: Calibrating your Internal Compass
Setting the stage
It might be difficult to acknowledge, but is it possible that you have been lax in life standards and boundaries?
By standards, I mean, those behaviours which you expect from yourself. For instance, you decide that a personal standard might be to never speak ill of your children's other parent, no matter how ugly things get or how much you are pushed. Another standard might be to honour your need for a strenuous workout at the gym twice per week to relieve physical stress. It can be anything that you are committed to holding yourself accountable for.
Boundaries on the other hand, are those behaviours that you hold others to. Think of it as a way of protecting the great value of your internal self. It's not shutting others out (although that may become necessary in some cases) as much as wanting to honour what is within. This is a tough one to really apply, but well worth the effort. You get to decide. It has been said that we educate people about how they can treat us. Think of this as a reeducation for them!
1. Establish ten standards of behaviour that you are prepared to live.
2. Establish ten boundaries that you will not allow others to violate.
3. Consider that you will resist the standards. How will you get yourself back on track?
4. Consider that others will resist the boundaries. How will you get them to back off?
(Let me help you with #4)
1. Accept that only you can protect your boundaries.
2. Tell them what boundary they have violated (give the specific example, not just a vague statement of violated boundaries which they might not understand)
3. Ask that they not do it again (request a change in behaviour)
4. It might be helpful to direct them on how to treat you differently next time. ("I want you to talk to me with a normal speaking voice.")
5. You may have to be prepared to end the encounter until such time as you feel more able to handle things or until they are prepared to change their behaviour.
The earlier in your separation you can establish healthy standards and boundaries the easier it will become to defend them. You may find that boundaries will also be required in other relationships such as those with children (youth or adult) and your parents or former in-laws.
Because I'm Special
Because I'm Special, I have my sense of self
And it's not for sale, I know who I am
And I refuse to fail, I know who I am
I've got the power to succeed, And in the spirit of faith I've got all that I need
A blessing in disguise, as evidence of things not seen,
Is the secret of success, in the seed of self-esteem,
Because I am, that I am, there's no way I can let myself down,
Hang-ups and setbacks are only stepping stones to higher ground,
Because I am Special, I am who I am.
Danny Queen
