Ending Relationships

Lesson 4: Calibrating your Internal Compass

In this lesson, we will examine your choices and how you can reorient your life around purpose and values. This lesson is very much about you and your internal motivations.

Navigating for Recovery

This quite possibly is the most difficult of the lessons to write. I will be encouraging you to trust yourself at a time when you might be least able to do so. It was certainly the most difficult lesson for me to learn.

Willie Jolley writes a helpful book entitled, A Setback is a Setup for a Comeback. I quote him, "Wisdom is the ability to discern and make good decisions. Then you need courage to act on those decisions. It takes courage to take a stand on your dreams and courage to move forward to make them a reality. Wisdom to make wise decisions and courage to act on them are my constant prayer in the process of turning my setbacks into comebacks. I recommend that you pray for wisdom and courage."

In the work that I have done with those recently separated, it is my understanding that the ability to self-trust gets lost in the swirl of emotions and conflicting sides of the story. You are always in control of how you respond to life's circumstances. You are always at choice. Even if you are not currently operating at full strength, you still know what you value and what you are not willing to compromise.

Positive self talk is important. At this point, you may be your own worst enemy. You may be blaming yourself; wondering what you could have done differently; how you might get that person back; trying to understand what went wrong. You may never know. In any case, beating yourself up about it won't make things better.

To make a permanent positive change in your life you will have to change the way you talk to yourself and the way you talk about yourself.

Things didn't go the way you wanted them to in this relationship. Understood.

Your expectations weren't met and your feelings are hurt. Understood.

No relationship ends entirely because of the other person. Understood.

Now what?

You could spend the next twenty years debating it with yourself. Take responsibility for your part in it. Forgive yourself and the other person. Take action to create a better tomorrow. And speak softly to yourself.

Say good things about who you are and the life you have. There is great power in words. And how you treat yourself is a powerful indicator of the quality of life you will have.

Author Willey Jolley has a section in his book entitled The Power of Self-Development that contains my favourite quote. It is, "Before you can lead many, you must be able to lead one - yourself!" Lead yourself with your words and your life will follow.

Consider the following:

1. Am I speaking to myself in a way that I would let others hear?

2. What purpose is being served by me being unkind to myself?

3. If I were a leader, would I follow me?

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