Lesson 3: The Needs of the Children
Remember who's who
Let's remember that you (and even your ex-partner) are the grown-ups, here. There are certain behavioural expectations placed on you that are not necessarily the same for your children. This whole separation thing may have come as a horrible shock to the children, even if family life was pretty bad. It was what they knew. So if they act up, act out, or otherwise display bad manners, it may be understandable. The situation may not have been all that much different for you, however, you will be expected to handle it better than they do - at least in front of them. Watch what you say, when you say it, and to whom.
Although it is an emotional landmine, there will need to be discussion, and resolution, about who will be the custodial parent. Who is, realistically, more able and in the better position to take care of the children. One of the most tragic scenes to watch is to see parents diminish the value of their children to property that, like all other property, must be halved. That is not usually in the best interest of the children. The ideal handling of this is that both parties are able to act in cooperation to determine what best serves the children at that time.
There are other landmines, too. Remember that your children are children, not courier pigeons. Having your children serve as mediators or messengers will cause major problems for them. Never assume that your child(ren) are okay about delivering information, regardless of how benign you perceive it to be. It in fact, presents an enormous task for a child and abdicates you from your responsibility of having to communicate with your ex-spouse.
And then there is the matter of what Phil Rich and Lita Linzer Schwartz call 'parentification' in their book The Healing Journey. This happens when 'the child of divorce is expected to take over some or all of the responsibilities of the parent who left which can range from household chores to child care. Sometimes, parentification can include becoming a companion to one parent or the other.'
Children will struggle with the separation. They will have issues. They will have adjustments to make. Their struggles may be minor or major. Your task is to ensure that your problems don't become the basis of their problems.
Again, Rich and Linzer suggest the following dos and don'ts
Do
make sure they don't feel they have to take sides
make sure they get to spend good time with both parents
ensure they feel loved and cared for
resolve problems with your ex-spouse without involving them
keep any blame for the divorce between you and your ex-spouse
ensure their financial needs are met
ensure that their lives don't change in radical ways because of your divorce
help them understand that you're responsible for your own well-being
encourage them to live their own lives and have their own friends
Don't
make them choose between you
make them feel as though they only have one parent
deprive them of emotional support
blame them for what went wrong
deprive them of financial support
force them to radically change their lifestyle
make them responsible for your emotional well-being
let your divorce interfere with their social life and peer relationships
Some questions and journaling opportunities:
1. List some concerns you have about how the children have adjusted. List both positive and negative.
2. Put yourself in your children's shoes, and describe what you think your children might be experiencing.
3. If you've become the custodial parent, what has life been like as a single parent? If you are not the custodial parent, what has it been like to lose daily contact with the children?
4. Are your children now suffering in some way because of custody issues or because of a change in their parenting situation?
5. What are your three greatest priorities as a parent?
