Lesson 3: The Needs of the Children
Keeping things 'normal'
An interesting word, 'normal'. I have never really understood what it means or who determined its definition, but none the less we all seem bound by it.
In the context of separation and divorce, it means to disrupt the lives of your children as little as possible. There are really three components of the idea of normal.
Establish and/or maintain routines: If they always went to bed at 8:30 pm, there is no need to change it to 9:30 pm because you feel bad that they are now children of divorce. If Friday night was always family movie night and money is tight, you may have to forego that espresso in the afternoon to maintain the routine for the children. Children, and grown-ups too, require structure and routine to feel secure. It is the framework that we find liberating. We know what to expect. So much about the lives of children has been disrupted already by the separation, why add to that by changing even more?
Quality Time
I have discovered that children really do play more with the boxes than the gifts - especially if a person they truly love is playing in the box with them. You may not feel as though you have time to play with your children at this time. You may be stressed, over worked, tired, anxious, sad, angry, and any other number of emotions that we have already discussed, but I ask, how does isolating yourself from them help any of you? It is imperative for them, and you, to relax and have fun together. You may have to be very intentional about setting the time aside and reserving enough energy to enjoy it, but it will well be worth the effort.
Stability
To the best of your ability, keep yourself and your environment stable. If you can remain in the same house or apartment all the better. If the children can remain in the same school. If you can achieve some sense of accomplishment from doing laundry, washing dishes, or preparing meals. Whatever stability looks like for you and your children - identify it and create an action plan to sustain it. It will provide a great solace to you all during this time.
Stability can also refer to understanding what is normal for all children regardless of whether or not their parents are divorced. Your children may be rebelling. Knowing whether that is a function of the divorce or a function of their age can be very reassuring when you are the parent coping with the emotions. Again, knowing as much as you can about the 'normal' development of children and your role as their parent can provide a great deal of relief and energy in coping with what is going on in your home.
Some questions for you:
1. What routines will it be important to maintain for myself and the children?
2. How are we currently sharing quality time?
3. What might I need to do to be more present with my children?
4. Is our life stable?
5. How can I improve our stability?
