Lesson 3: The Needs of the Children
This lesson focuses on what is best, as you know it, for your children. There has been much research done on the short and long term impact divorce has on children. This lesson addresses what you can do to focus on them even in the midst of your own turmoil to bring stability and joy back to their lives.
About the children
"And how are the children handling all of this?" is a fairly common question when people inquire about your separation or divorce. I'm sure they mean well...but it isn't often an easy question to answer. Whether the separation is a relief from constant fighting or a complete shock to the child(ren) it is impossible to know for sure how they are doing.
There is much research done and many findings to support a wide range of positions as to the effects of divorce on children. We can say with confidence however, that how we handle the divorce has a direct impact on the children in terms of their overall life quality and emotional well-being.
Your children will need you to assure them that the divorce is not their fault and that nothing they could have done, or not done, would have prevented the divorce from happening. Regardless of your feelings, they require the continued love of both parents. They will continue to need you to provide safety, love, and assurance.
They may or may not understand why the separation happened, but they will feel deeply, the impact it is having on their lives.
The age of your child(ren) will also impact how they handle the separation. Understanding the developmental stage of your child(ren)is also beneficial. You may have a young son who is just entering the developmental stage where he is beginning to relate to his father and want his father's attention more than his mother's. Regardless of which gender you are, you will need to be sensitive to that boy's needs. If you are the mother, and the father is around and safe for your son to spend time with, you may need to adjust your attitude and behaviors to accomodate that request from your son. If you are the father, and a busy man who doesn't have your son living with you, you may need to accomodate your son's need to be with you. Knowing where your children are developmentally and their unique personalities will go a long way in helping them through this time in their lives.
If your child is serious and a thinker, he/she will handle a divorce differently than a child who is a pleaser, or a child who is playful. An eldest child will process the divorce differently than a middle child or the youngest. Boys and girls will work through their circumstances differently. Each child and each separation is unique. Understanding as much about all the players and how they may be interacting with each other is so important.
As time progresses, and the situation begins to heal, you may also see that your children are changing. They are feeling more comfortable with the circumstances. They are developing a routine. They are beginning to re-establish relationships with both parents. You may even notice that relationships are improving with both parents. That can be difficult if you have been the one running interference or you left your spouse to protect your children. It can be difficult to accept the positive changes the other parent is making. Depending on the age of the children, they may be making additional requests to spend time with the other parent. Before you answer them, get clear about what is motivating your response - the language of the separation agreement, the needs of the children or your own paradigm about your former partner.
