Lesson 2: Financial and Legal Matters
What does winning look like?
Only you can answer that. Do you want a full scale war? Do you want a peaceful settlement? Do you want to remain friends afterward?
If you don't know much about conflict resolution, you may want to learn a little now. You have a choice how this separation will proceed, from your position.
Conflict in and of itself is benign. What you do with the conflict is what gives it a positive or negative power. It can produce a win-lose, lose-win, lose-lose, or win-win outcome. The ability to identify which you want and how to produce your desired outcome will be the true test of your definition of winning.
Communication is also a major component of conflict resolution. How does your former partner communicate? What is his or her temperament? Do they like to fight for the entertainment of it? Once you decide what winning looks like for you, you may have to develop a strategy to ensure that outcome. You may have to modify your communication style. You may have to back off your competitive nature. You may have to apologize. You have have to be stronger and more outspoken than you have ever been before. You can do it. You just have to be clear about what the 'it' is.
And you may not even like the term winning. It may be more about a successful outcome for you. I'm not particular what terminology you use, provided you examine what your desired outcome is and clearly communicate it to yourself.
Take out a piece of paper and complete the following statement: I know I have been successful when I...
You can complete the statement any way that feels right to you. All that is really necessary is that you have control over the outcome. For instance, if you wrote, "I know I have been successful when 'X' no longer makes me angry," that would not be a statement over which you have any control (as it is written). For it to be about your ability to control your own success it would read, "I know I am successful when I no longer react to 'X' with anger." Do you see the difference? It has to be about you and what you can impact. When you know what the criteria is for your success, then you can move on to the other questions that follow. You may want to revisit that sentence from time to time to see if it is still true for you.
Some questions:
1. What does winning look like for you? How will you feel? What will you have gained?
2. What might you lose? How will you feel?
3. What outcomes are most important to you? (examples: protecting the children, financial settlement, mental health, property settlement, friendship with ex-spouse, revenge, peace of mind, etc.)
4. After identifying those outcomes, are they compatible with each other or are there some in conflict with each other? Can they be attained without sacrificing something even more important to you?
5. What is the worst outcome you can realistically picture?
6. What are some steps you can take (and avoid) to ensure the best possible outcome?
