Lesson 2: Financial and Legal Matters
Heads Up
You have heard the cliche, 'buyer beware.' Well the same is true of the separating or divorcing person. Whatever emotional roller coaster you have been riding, your former partner, to a greater or lesser degree, has been on one, too. Be vigilant in your encounters. Know that they have probably not changed significantly for the better during this time. If they always lied to you, they will likely still do so. If they cheated on you, they will continue to cheat. If they knew how to hurt you, emotionally or otherwise, they will continue to know how to push your buttons.
However,...
In mediation, negotiation, or phone conversation this person who you always believed to be a liar, or a cheat, or a perfectly respectable human being, has suddenly put on a different personality. That is natural. Personality profiles show that during lengthy periods of high stress, people will actually flip into another personality type. So when you most need them to be predictable, they aren't. The opposite is also true, you may not be who they think you are, either.
So what can you do? It may be significant to understand the basic process of negotiation. A brief summary of the four phases may be useful at this point. It is also important to identify that not all negotiations progress through these four phases in sequence and we'll look at an example in a moment.
The first phase is the preparation. If you have never been through a separation before you would be at a disadvantage to someone who has. That is where the benefit of legal council applies. They make their living from being prepared for this exchange.
The next phase is the debate. It has been said that more than 80% of the time spent in negotiation communication is in some form of debate. It is during this phase that emotions, beliefs, attitudes, and prejudices can impact the outcome of the talks.
Third is the proposal. Proposals are tentative solutions. Often proposals invite questions, clarification, and the return to the debate.
And finally, the bargain. The bargain is a special type of proposal that specifically outlines what the negotiator wants and what they will offer in return. There is no room for ambiguity in a bargain because it specifies exactly what is to be exchanged.
In separation, you may begin negotiations with the bargain phases when something specific is proposed by one party and the other party takes it away for consideration (prepare), consideration, and counter proposal.
As the process unfolds remember to take notes. Lots and lots of notes. You may be experiencing a brand new situation, and coupled with fluctuating emotions, you may only have a sense of what is going on around you and you may not be able to rely on your memory. Anything that doesn't sound right - or feel right - may not be right. Date it and write it down, immediately. Time has a nasty way of diluting or manipulating what we think we remember. Record the facts. You may want to also record how you felt and the impact the event had on you. The facts may be the only part you can use, but it helps in your healing you remember how you felt when you feel compelled to think 'it wasn't as bad as that.'
It may not be necessary for you, but remember, keep yourself safe, first.
