Lesson 1: Emotional Healing
Forgiveness
Forgiveness may be one of the least understood concepts in our society. Authors John James and Russell Friedman define forgiveness, in their book The Grief Recovery Handbook, as: "Giving up the hope of a different or better yesterday." There may be many unfulfilled expectations, many disappointments, and many hurt feelings following a separation that you find it difficult to forgive.
Mirriam-Webster's Tenth Collegiate Dictionary defines forgiveness as: "to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)."
You will probably be carrying some resentment toward your former partner. He/she hurt you by having an affair. He/she never loved you. He/she has tried to turn the children against you. The list of offenses could be endless. That is true. What is also true, is that you have a choice what you do with that. You can choose to forgive. You can choose to move beyond the resentment. Forgiveness is an action. You must do it. It won't just happen by itself and you probably won't feel much like doing it when you do it. Do it anyway. Any resentment you hold onto, by choice, will limit and restrict your ability to live fully. Do you really want to give that other person the moment by moment power to control your quality of life?
Forgiveness, much like meditation or prayer, is a personal activity. You may be the only person who ever knows you have forgiven the other person. Unless the person asks for forgiveness, keep your forgiveness to yourself. It is your journey, your healing, and your release of resentment. Such an intense personal experience need only be experienced by you. The emotional healing that ensues is yours.
It is important to release any harbored resentment. The mere holding of resentment restricts your ability to participate in life fully. So, it can be said that any truly successful recovery has to deal with the pain of your situation and the release of the resentment. Take control of your feelings and acknowledge what has or has not been done to you. You may wish to make a statement like this one, "I acknowledge things you did (or did not) do that hurt me and I'm not going to let them cause me pain any longer."
By releasing the resentment you allow yourself to move on. Holding on to the pain does not cause the other person any discomfort at all. It is all yours. Think about a time when you have been cut off by a driver and you have held on to those feelings of frustration or anger for the rest of the day. Do you suppose your feelings are having any impact on the other driver? Absolutely not. And holding on to your anger or resentment is not causing one bit of pain to the other person. You have it all. So, when you forgive, you are giving yourself power to move on and to reacquire your own sense of well-being. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with you being able to move forward.
Questions:
1. What am I gaining by holding on to those old resentments?
2. How is holding on to resentment holding me back?
3. What am I afraid forgiving my offender might cost me?
4. Is there anything I need to forgive myself for?
