Lesson 1: Emotional Healing
Transitioning
Transitioning is a three stage process of which letting go is a natural first step. Before the person accepts what is being lost there may be an attempt to deny the reality of the situation. You, or your former partner, may want to believe that the situation is only temporary; when he/she realizes what has been lost, they will be back. You may not be ready to face the financial, legal, and social impact the separation will have on you, and so you pretend it's not as bad as the relationship actually ending. Denial may be your first line of defense in protecting yourself from the reality of your situation. Although it may serve you in the short term, denial causes you to remain in a vulnerable place while the other person is planning and moving forward with the separation and/or divorce.
Letting go of the old relationship and the old identity you had within it are critical in accepting the loss of the relationship. Who you believe yourself to be may very well be wrapped up in the role you assumed in the relationship. You may have to let go of old, outdated, inaccurate, self-descriptions. (This is certainly true if your relationship was emotionally or physically abusive.)
The next phase of transition is what William Bridges calls "The Neutral Zone". This is the in-between time when the old is gone but the new isn't fully operational in your life. At this time, you can re-create yourself. You can re-train your thinking, behaving, and believing. But let's not kid ourselves - this will be a difficult time. You may feel overloaded, overwhelmed, confused, and without confidence. Old weaknesses, previously band-aided, reemerge. You may want to rush forward - keep busy instead of doing the difficult work of resolving old issues. You may even be tempted to go back to the relationship. You may have to experiment a LOT and regroup a LOT, but why not; it's your time for self-discovery.
The final phase of transition is The New Beginning. In his book, Managing Transitions, William Bridges, offers the following comment: "Beginnings are strange things. People want them to happen but fear them at the same time...They require, in some sense, that people become the new kind of person that the new situation demands...Beginnings may reactivate some of the old anxieties that were originally triggered by the ending. Beginnings, after all, establish once and for all that an ending is real...A new beginning ratifies the ending."
Like any natural process, the length of time such a transition takes cannot be prescribed. You are unique and your recovery time will also be unique. Don't rush. Understand where you are, the natural flow of that time, and where you want to be.
Some questions for you:
1. Do I know what phase of transition I am currently experiencing?
2. Have I examined what I have lost and what I might gain from this transition?
3. How clearly have I identified what is over and what is not?
