Expectant Fathers

Lesson 8: Course Summary

Some Intimate Advice for Dads

Many fathers experience a noticeable change in their sex lives during and immediately following pregnancy. Just as mothers receive toxic messages about sexuality, so too are men subject to cultural myths and unrealistic expectations about sex. Many parents, moms and dads alike, believe some or all of the contradictory messages about sex, including that everyone else has a better sex life, that kids necessarily destroy your sex life, that you shouldn’t have sex during the last trimester of pregnancy, that you shouldn’t want sex during the last trimester of pregnancy, that sex isn’t going to happen during the last trimester of pregnancy (you get my drift), that Real Men innately know how to please a woman in bed, that Viagra is the solution to nearly all of your problems, and that sex is all hormonal so there’s nothing you can do about it anyway.

True, it’s challenging to keep passion alive while pregnant and later while meeting the demands of family and work life. And, true, many couples struggle with the sexual blahs during and immediately after pregnancy. But sexual blahs are not inevitable. While much of this course has been directed toward your wife and having her understand the challenges you’re facing during and after pregnancy, it is important for you to know that sexuality is a couple’s issue. She can’t fix what’s wrong alone any more than you can do so by yourself.

To save you the time of reading this course in its entirety, here is the short version of what relationship partners need to know about their mates’ sexuality. These are the sure fire methods to escalate your drive through the chicane of romance. These are the sex tips that work. No, this isn’t advice on secret spots, special techniques, or chiropractic ways to fancy up lovemaking. I’ll leave that to the monthly magazines written to mislead men into thinking there’s a simple roadmap or potion for bliss. Forget it; I don’t believe that a game of twister in bed will jump start or enhance your libido. The best sex tips that really can put the spark back in lovemaking are extremely simple. Lifelong sexuality begins with a great relationship. To achieve that, here are some tips that really work.

Light Her Fire and You Will Burn, Burn, Burn

May I have a little Barry White music, if you please. Do you remember the early days of sizzling sex; the back seat of the car, that time of spontaneity and an open field of grass, those wonderful moments of engorged pleasure? Absolutely you do! Or you wouldn’t want to ride the stallion again. Men tend to look back on those days and give credit to biology (the newness of the sexual relationship) or to the simpler pace of life (when time wasn’t a luxury).

Both of these factors may be the case, but they’re not the reason your passion has changed. What is different is that during these scintillating times you and your lover paid much more attention to courting one another. You remembered to tell her she looked beautiful; she wanted to hear every detail of how your day went at work; you brought her flowers just because she drove you crazy; she said you were a fascinating person and could fix anything; you couldn’t hide your excitement for her; she was always ready to take on some excitement. Being the center of the universe for the person you love is incredibly sexy. It affirms and enflames a person’s desire to be chosen, appreciated, and romanced by that person of your dreams. In fact, it puts you in her dreams!

Many expectant couples and parents let their passion slide. As their lives become hectic with relatives visiting, learning the tricks of the trade in baby care, and being entertained by that attention getting new baby of yours, it’s easy to forget the romantic side of your relationship. It’s normal when this happens and women are usually the first to notice. In over 75 percent of the couples I’ve surveyed, the wife brings up the subject of the “relationship” not being the same as before. When they do, a lot of men immediately feel defensive. The subject feels like a challenge to their manhood, when in reality it is meant as a complement to their manhood. Their partners miss being physically close. They miss the relationship which, for them, is the basis for sex.

Male interest in sex is far less linked to relationship needs, and it’s baffling to many men that this is how women are. But, this IS how women are. Deal with it. Don’t waste another second thinking about whether it’s right or fair or logical. Throw yourself into it for three months before deciding it isn’t working.

You may also believe yourself to be awkward or inept about something as vague as “be more romantic.” I’m going to spare you the usual advice about bringing flowers or telling her she looks pretty (although I’m in favor of both). If you want concrete advice, there are number of wonderful books on perking up the percolator, including the Idiot’s Guide to Great Sex.

Let’s get to work: Call her in the middle of the day, send an e-card, brush her hair, surprise her with an afternoon out with her best friend while you take the kids, buy little gifts (a box of fancy tea, a nice pen, a blank writing book, a bar of aromatic soap, a sexy CD, anything that lets her know that you think about her in a feminine way when you aren’t together), get her car washed, notice and tell her things you like about how she’s raising the kids, ask about her day at work. If these seem, well, too sappy, try traditional male stuff: open the door for her, help her with carrying heavy bags, and wipe the ice off her windshield.

Why are women so affected by these gestures? Esquire says it well in their list of “Things a Man Should Know About Women,” available for your pleasure at www.esquire.com. My two favorite tips are “Gifts that may be quirky but never perfect: a blender, a beater, a vacuum cleaner, or a waffle iron,” and “The quirky perfect gift that shows you’ve been listening is worth twice the value of anything you can find at Tiffany’s.”

It’s being noticed, being nurtured in the little ways that mean so much to women. To women, being pregnant and mothering is about your noticing the small details in her life and romance is noticing her personal attention to detail. It validates her non-mommy self, which is the part that both of you want to nourish.

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