Lesson 6: Is He Ever Going to Help With the Housework??
Division or Multiplication of Labor?
Equal household division of labor was once thought to enhance both partners’ marital satisfaction. But evidence has been presented to contradict this concept. It appears that low marital satisfaction is related to nontraditional family attitudes in women but not in men. This means that men who espoused “equal” household attitudes had higher marital satisfaction than those who did not endorse these views. Conversely, women who endorsed “equal housework” views had lower marital satisfaction than traditional wives. An explanation may be that “equal housework” means different things to different people.
Men may feel satisfied because they are contributing more to the household chores, therefore they perceive themselves as making an equal contribution overall. Women may be dissatisfied because their husbands are not meeting their expectation of what equal work means to them. It seems that without well defined and expectations, spouses leave themselves open to tension and conflict.
The best combination for positive marital satisfaction is when the husband has less traditional beliefs and behaviors than his wife. By his having a more “equal housework” attitude and behavior than she has for him, he is able to surpass her expectations about what he should be doing at home. When wives have too high of expectations, or worse, when they make assumptions about who is to do what around the house, they are frequently upset by men’s low contributions to the household. This can affect how both spouses rate their marriage.
In their well researched book, When Partners Become Parents, Carolyn and Philip Cowan agree that couples differ in their definitions of traditional and non traditional roles. Their data suggests that partners tend to agree most about some chores like paying bills, taking out trash, keeping in touch with friends/family, and least about others, such as meal preparation, shopping, car maintenance. With the addition of the first child, traditional and nontraditional role changes are seen in both spouses at different times. Researchers found that while the overall trend was towards a more traditional division of labor after birth, men did participate in some nontraditional household tasks in the six months after the birth of their child. By the time the child was 18 months, however, many of the nontraditional tasks had declined, thereby suggesting a shift towards a more traditional division of labor.
In terms of marital satisfaction, Carolyn and Philip Cowan found that men’s satisfaction with the division of household labor was the single most frequently cited ingredient to their overall marital satisfaction when their babies were six months old. By the time the child was 18 months, men’s satisfaction with the division of household labor was no longer associated with their marital satisfaction. Interestingly, the researchers found that at six months postpartum men were doing much less child care and household labor, than they or their spouses expected they would be when asked prenatal. Perhaps because men were doing less housework and child care than they expected postpartum, their satisfaction with their marriage did not decrease after the addition of the child. By the time the child was eighteen months, these men were so accustomed to their level of participation that it no longer affected marital satisfaction.
Since expectant and new dads view these important areas quite differently than moms, it is helpful to assume a different perspective that may enable your communication and decision-making process. The key is tolerance, patience, and consideration for your spouse’s point of view (along with some retraining on how to use a vacuum cleaner).
Adjust your standards
Let’s face it, men and women often have very different standards. “When my husband says the bathroom is clean, he means that the towels are off the floor and on the counter,” says one mother. The toilet might still be filthy and the floor might be covered with dirt. Couples simply expect something different from one another. Clean to you may be another word entirely for your husband. You may have to adjust your standards before retaining of his old habits begins. Adjusting your standards to his level doesn’t mean that the kids will be wearing the same clothes every day. Also, there are many different ways to change diapers, play, teach, and entertain the children. Yours isn’t always right. And when wives adjust their standards, husbands are more involved in the household and with the kids. No child ever suffered long-term trauma by having her diaper put on a bit looser than mother would like. It’s hard to shift standards, because for many women attention to domestic details is part of their upbringing and part of how they define themselves.
Treat men as partners, not as helpers. Just as men need to rethink their family roles as "assistants" to mothers, women need to change their ideas about what’s reasonable to expect from their partners. Asking your partner for help only reinforces the view that men have little direct responsibility for the care and management of children. Instead, ask him to do his share. “Every woman who asks her husband to help with the dishes or change a diaper immediately puts herself at a disadvantage”, says Rikki Robbins Jones, author of Negotiating Love: How Women and Men Can Resolve Their Differences. Asking for help makes it seem as if whatever he’s helping with is really the woman’s job and that she should be grateful.
Give the guy some applause
As a group, men generally dislike doing things that make them feel incompetent. At the same time, most men love compliments. The television characters Lucy Ricardo and Roseanne Conner figured this out long ago, and the same applies in real life: sweet talk soothes; nagging only irritates. Tell him what a great job he’s doing, and ask him to do the same thing again - even if it’s not exactly the way that you would.
Delegate as a form of management
Many women tend to take charge of the household and childcare domains because this is the one arena that they can still control. But far too many women are so intent on keeping control of the household that they don’t leave enough space for their partners to participate. For other women, control is not the issue; they assume that men are either uninterested or incompetent. And men get the message: many find it easier just to back off. This is the first generation of fathers to be seriously expected to take an active role in the home. For example, at the children’s bath time women become mothers, most have had years of training. Female role models are plentiful, as are resources, from women’s magazines to how-to guides.
But good male role models are rare, as is information specifically designed to help men prepare for fatherhood. The moral of this is that even if you know how to stop the baby from crying, heat the bottle, get a two year old to eat by making your famous airplane noises, and bathe your children without having the bathroom look like a drive through carwash, let your partner try to figure it out for himself before jumping in. Men love to solve problems but hate to be criticized. Men and women have different approaches to the same task, and fathers need the confidence that only comes with practice.
Realize that there are limits to your stamina
The days of the “second shift,” when women felt it admirable to work all day, care for their homes, do the gardening, raise the children, run the “kiddie commuter service” and participate in several community projects - are over. Let your spouse know that you have limits. Making him more aware that you simply can’t do everything will go a long way to bringing men into action. Let him be Superman for a while. Working together on a plan to accomplish the endless list of things to be done – of which the first task is to make the list manageable – is a wonderful project to take on as a couple. Don’t wait until you become ill to have your spouse help, but don’t expect breakfast in bed either.
Have a housework plan
When dividing up responsibilities, many couples have trouble defining what exactly the term “housework” means. In many families, for example, couples mistakenly separate parenting from domestic chores. Both require time, energy, planning, organization, and initiative. So when your partner is reading the paper with the baby in his arms while you’re making dinner, things might not seem equal. True, he appears to be relaxing and having more fun, but holding, nurturing, and playing are very important contributions to the well being of the household.
Still, just to make sure that no one is forced to have too much fun, switch responsibilities once in a while - let him make dinner while you take care of the baby. This kind of job trading can change your understanding of what both of you contribute. Of course, some couples with strong preferences for one sort of job over another may divide household tasks unequally but still end up satisfied. Remember that as partners in the business of running a household and raising children, work as a team. Develop the “practices and procedures” for this business and take turns being “boss.” A well run partnership requires individuals that complement each others talents to get the job done rather than two people who do the same thing.
