Expectant Fathers

Lesson 5: Playing In Your Relationship - Getting Stronger By The Day!!

Other Keys to a Successful Relationship

Repeat after me: “I’m feeling great because I’m pregnant,” “I’m having a wonderful day,” “My husband and I are in control of our relationship and we’re growing closer every day,” “Our baby will as healthy and happy as we are as a couple.”

You’re probably familiar with the “power of positive thinking.” Positive thinking is not necessarily the denial of unpleasant, unacceptable, or bad things in the world; it's another way of seeing things from a different perspective. It is a known fact that life is what you think it should be. So, for a positive life and to improve on your relationship, it is imperative for both of you to start thinking in a positive manner. By consistently thinking positive you’ll have a positive attitude. Your success and happiness depend on accurately identifying your goals and effectively achieving them, and both depend on how well you manage your attitude. The quality of your attitude determines the quality of your relationship. Accentuate the positive in your relationship. Being positive begins by being an active listener; being available to listen and reflect back to your husband or wife what you actually heard them saying. Men have a tendency to jump right in with a solution or provide advice when women describe a problem. MEN: The solution is only going be found when you actively listen, listen, listen!!!

Active listening means echoing back to the speaker in a non judgmental way the message you heard them say. For example, if your wife is in her eighth month of pregnancy and is complaining about lower back pain, she doesn’t need to be told to see a doctor. She wants and needs you to provide sympathetic support. She wants you listen to what she’s saying and quietly understand how she feels. To show her that you’ve heard what she’s said and that you’re sympathetic to her back pain, offer to do a few more things around the house or complete a chore or errand that she was planning to do herself. These are welcome signs that you understand her complaint and believe in showing the five “A’s” in your relationship.

Here are nine ways that you can encourage and accentuate the most positive aspects of your pregnant relationship. When both partners show and grow the best attitudes toward one another, it is obvious to everyone who sees them. A way to remember them is with the saying, “Just As People Expect Attention, Affection Can Ignite Couples.” That is J,A,P,E,A,A,C,I, and C (Joyful, Affectionate, Playful, Empathic, Appreciative, Accepting, Caring, Interested, and Concerned.

Be Joyful: When you’re feeling delighted, excited, or just having a really good time, let your partner know it. Of course, you probably do much or most of this spontaneously. And while all of this comes naturally when things are good between you, an intentional effort to lighten things up during rocky periods can get you back to a more positive balance. Remember to keep things in perspective – this is pregnancy, not the end of time! Moments in your relationship are to be treasured, so make them feel good.

Be Affectionate. You’ve read that affection is one of the big “A’s” in relationships. This is a minder that affection can be shown in many subtle ways. Simply through quiet acts of tenderness: touching or holding hands while you watch TV or at the movies, put your arms around one another while strolling through the mall, lean against your partner while you read the Sunday paper together, you can show your devotion and love. Such physical affection has a contented, dreamy quality, like sitting in front of the fire and enjoying its warmth together.

There need be nothing said between you. More actively, little things you say or do can remind your partner of your affection: a reminiscence of a happy time together, of an expression of solidarity (“This is our problem, not just yours; we’re in this together”), doing something thoughtful - or simply offering to do it. Affection is implicit any time the two of you are having a really good time together. And, of course, there are the most obvious expressions of affection, voicing your feelings of love, or romantic passion.

Be Playful: Playful teasing, jokes, silliness, and just having an uproarious time together is especially nourishing. If you, like most couples, have funny stories that only you share, such joking is a way not only to have fun but is also a statement of the intimate and exclusive bond between you. But if your spouse finds your teasing to be hostile or sarcastic, beware: that may be seen as an act of your being belligerent, not humor. G. K. Chesterton said, “Playing as children means playing is the most serious thing in the world.”

Be Empathic. Empathy, showing your partner an emotional resonance, is a potent form of affection. You can show that you really understand and feel what your partner is feeling just through an expression on your face that matches your partner’s. But empathy can’t be faked. If you say, “I know how you feel,” without it really being true, your partner will sense that false emotional note. More empathic is saying something that shows understanding, like, “Oh, that really hurt when she said that, didn’t it?”

Be Appreciative: Again, appreciation is one of your big “A’s” in strengthening our relationship. You can put positive energy into a marriage simply through appreciating it; thinking about and remembering positive moments’ from your past, thinking fondly about your partner, and so on. Recalling these positive memories and thoughts is a counterbalance to those moments when you may get carried away by negativity and find it hard to recall anything good about your marriage. Agreeing with your partner’s ideas, plans, suggestions, or solutions is another form of appreciation. And every time you let your partner know that you realize you’ve got a good relationship - say, by giving a compliment or expressing pride in your partner - you strengthen the bond between you.

Be Accepting: Even if your partner is saying something you don’t agree with, let your partner know what he or she is saying makes sense and is important - that you respect it. This acceptance can be tacit, such as assenting with a “yeah, or I understand” while your partner is talking, which shows you are listening, want to hear more, and that what’s being said makes some sense to you; it also shows that you accept the feelings being expressed. Summarizing your partner’s point of view during an argument is another form of acceptance, even if you still disagree. Recognize that it would be boring if you agreed about everything. But also recognize that there are times when you can agree to disagree.

Be Caring: Small acts of thoughtfulness are a powerful way to boost the positivism in your marriage. Some examples: You are shopping and pass a florist, buy your wife some flowers. Or you’re in the grocery store, purchase your husband’s favorite ice cream. Or, you just take a few minutes during your busy day and think about what your partner is facing today; for example, “Right now she is about to run a meeting about her new assignment and she is real worried about making a good first impression.” And you call her on the phone and wish her well, convey your confidence in her, and see how things are going. Be Interested: Be actively interested in the pregnancy and what your partner is saying about it.

Your spouse complains about his boss being unreasonable in asking him to handle much more work than usual. You might reply sympathetically, “He really did that? I can’t believe he expects you to handle the added work and not giving additional work to some of the others in your department!” But interest can also be shown more subtly, simply by showing you are truly listening and involved - timely “I understand”,” nods, and looking your spouse in the eye while he talks. Very little is more interesting than pregnancy, so talk about it. In fact, most topics pregnant couples discuss have to do with their baby and their future.

Be Concerned: Whenever your partner tells you about something distressing or troubling, express your genuine concern. Be supportive when your partner is blue or worried: “Your job is really getting you down and I’m bothered by that. Let’s talk it over.” Apologies help; say your partner was upset by something you said, and has turned on you with hurt and anger, it makes a big difference if you’re able to say, “I’m really sorry that what I said hurt your feelings” instead of becoming defensive about it and trying to justify your remark. The two basic nutrients: love and respect.

In studies of long-term marriages, it has repeatedly been found that despite wide differences in occupations, lifestyles, and the details of their day-to-day lives, there is a remarkable similarity in the tone of their conversations. No matter what style of marriage they have adopted, their discussions, for the most part, are carried along by a strong undercurrent of two basic ingredients: love and respect.

The abundance of love and respect in these marriages began early in their years together. Through pregnancy, birth, pregnancy, and more births; through crises of opportunities and crises of loss, loving and lasting couples have joy together that is evident in their gestures, eye contact, and expressions. When you’re with them, you see a great deal of physical and emotional affection expressed between them.

In an interview with one young couple, married eleven years with a 6 year old son and an 8 year old daughter, the husband shamelessly bragged about his wife’s talent in working with their children’s education and maintaining an award winning garden. This is a common occurrence among partners that have experienced a renewal and energy from each other. Many of these couples jump at the chance to talk about their partner’s skills and achievements. They will also describe how their relationship changed for the better during pregnancy and the happiness they have together as a family. When conflicts have occurred for these couples, each spouse gives consideration to the other’s point of view.

Another couple who met at a political debate on their college campus thoroughly enjoys discussions concerning party politics. They could argue endlessly about whether the Democrats or the Republicans have the strongest voting record on issues of free speech, censorship, and civil liberties. This couple has hashing out the same issues for more than two decades, gaining esteem in one another’s eyes as their arguments have grown sharper. This same couple reflects aloud on how proud they are of their children, and how nice it is just to feel each other’s toes under the covers. Such masters of marital harmony express lots of empathy and sympathy for one another. When illness strikes one partner, the other is there with just the right amount of nurturing and support. They also offer one another refuge from the tedium and indignities of daily life. They’re likely to say things like, “I’m really sorry that the computer ate your sales report,” or, “Your boss - obviously underestimates your hidden talent.”

What about your marriage? Do you and your spouse take the opportunity to show your love and respect on a regular basis? How are these feelings expressed in your relationship?

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