Lesson 5: Playing In Your Relationship - Getting Stronger By The Day!!
In this lesson you'll learn how to get an A grade in your relationship...the easy way! There are several keys to having a successful relationship while pregnant, and this section of the course is where you'll the "keys and the locks." You'll lock on the methods for building, maintaining, and sharing your relationship success with each other. And you'll accomplish this while playing; yes, playing on the relationship rather than "working" on it.
Getting an A Grade in Your Relationship While Pregnant Attention
Most people remember at least one course in school when they received an “A” grade. I’ll bet you can too. Remember how excited you were at getting that grade? You proudly announced it to friends and family. Your Mom or Dad had bragging rights with the neighbors and relatives and the whole experience made you feel special. That grade also felt good because it meant two things. The class was over! That’s a relief to any student. And, you finished at the top, the best, a winner. You couldn’t have done better. You gave your best and received the best mark possible.
How would you like a similar “A” grade during pregnancy?
How would you like an “A” grade in your relationship?
As described, a couple transitions from a two person relationship during pregnancy to a three person relationship with a family. The expectations and standards they applied to themselves change as well.
During pregnancy a new type of relationship forms. It is one of anticipation; highly charged with emotions, physical changes, and changes to the social support system. Psychologists may term it a crisis for the couple, but calling it the stage of “anticipation “may be more descriptive. During the anticipation stage of the relationship, new plans are made, new ways of intimacy and interaction are found, and a family foundation is developed. By successfully achieving these goals, the next generation is nurtured in a secure home surrounded by parental love.
The key word used in the previous sentence is Achieve. You’re going to learn the five “A’s” that provide the “A” in Achievement. The five “A’s” you’re striving to attain (another good “A” word) are Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing. These nearly magical actions result in fulfilling our needs and make communication a natural part of your relationship.
Attention
Everyone loves receiving attention. Applause and adoration is everything to an entertainer. Seeing their name in lights above the marquee means they’ve achieved a special status within their field. When you were married there may have been prenuptial celebrations for you. “Showers” were given in you honor. Gifts were beautifully wrapped and everyone around you was happy for your wedding day.
Before they have their first child, many women – and men – remember their wedding day as the happiest day of their lives. Attention reigned upon them in sheets of rice, cake, style of dress, bridesmaids, dancing, and “a good time was had by all”. By the way, pregnancy is a wonderful time to revisit your wedding album with your husband. You’ll see those same happy smiles and feel similar excitement when your baby arrives. However, that day wasn’t special just because of the attention you received from those around you. It was truly special because you provided each other with a gift of lifelong devotion. Looking into each other’s eyes, you saw nothing but each other. Now that’s giving attention!
(Sharing a “three ring” celebration together by looking at picture binders of your special days together is a wonderful way to put your relationship in perspective. I recommend playing some of your favorite music from those dating days, pulling close together on the couch, and reminiscing through the magic and mystery of the “old pix.” As the saying goes, your baby was simply a glint in your eyes.)
It may not feel exactly the same today. But it illustrates how good attention can feel. When it comes from people important in your life, like your parents and particularly from your husband, it fills you with self respect. Attention results in the same feelings for your husband when it comes from you.
Men can often feel neglected during pregnancy; which is another way of saying they don’t feel that they’re getting enough attention. They love getting “A’s” too. Sometimes they downplay this need when asked, “How’s the pregnancy coming along?” and they reply, “Fine”. What they really mean is “FINE! GREAT! EXCITING!” Dads have admitted to me that they love hearing the question. They enjoy having people interested and considering them involved in the pregnancy. The most important person from whom they rely on for attention is their wife. You! You are absolutely the most significant source of attention in your husband’s life. Many of his worries, concerns, low moments, questions, and stress will be relieved by you giving him attention.
Many people regard it as childlike that attention should be so important. But study after study shows the importance of receiving attention from someone special. Medical research has demonstrated its healing virtues; industries have improved employee morale; and children learn nearly everything in their lives by receiving attention from the proper people. It’s something we need throughout our lives.
The kind of attention being described may be as simple as an occasional compliment. It’s not the type of attention considered intrusive or through surveillance. In truly loving attention, you are noticed and recognized for a quality or accomplishment, not scrutinized. Attention means engaged focus on you. It means sensitivity to your needs and feelings. In a moment of real attention, we feel that we are deeply and truly understood in what we say or do and in who we are, with nothing left out.
As a couple, it is important that you’re attuned to the attention being given each other. Attunement is mirrored attentiveness from one person to another. You can’t attune if you assume certain feelings are right and others wrong. To attune to each other, you need neutrality toward all feelings, moods, and inner states and to possess a fearless openness about what is being recognized.
Attention requires genuine interest and curiosity about the mysterious and surprising truth that is you. But you must be open to the other person to receive the full value of attention. For most people, the desire for attention is not a desire for an audience but for a listener. Attention means focusing on you with respect, that’s how you achieve self respect from attention. You are taken seriously. You are given credit when it is due. Your feelings have such high value to those who love you that they on the lookout for them. They even look for the feelings you are afraid to know and gently inquire whether you want to show them. Attention, like the other four “A’s”, is best delivered in a trusting atmosphere of holding.
Attention Suggestions for the Expectant Mom
- Select some his favorite treat foods when grocery shopping
- Give him a big embrace when you first see him after work
- Gently rub his back when he can’t sleep
- Reach out and take his hand in yours during a movie
- Bake a batch of his favorite cookies
- Prepare his favorite dinner on a weekday evening
- Give him a wrapped gift on “no special occasion” day (you pick the day)
- Send him a loving e mail message during the day
- Invite him to have a “all boys” day at home when he can invite his buddies over to watch a key sporting event on television
- Place a loving greeting card in his briefcase, lunchbox, car, or underwear drawer
- Polish his shoes
- Compliment his choice of clothes
- Tell him you find him attractive
- Attend an even that he selects whether you’re interested or not…and show your interest
- Buy her a box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers on your way home from work
- Give her a foot massage
- Do the housework
- Discuss your partner’s interests. When you talk about a subject in terms of their interests, you will be enriched by it. Two people can talk about the same subject but have two different approaches to it. For example, if you’re talking about boating, you may find it relaxing and peaceful which your partner may think “boating” is excitement. Try and adopt her perspective in the conversation.
- Bring home dinner, fix dinner, or take her out to dinner on a weeknight.
- Leave a loving note under her pillow at night or place one in a place she’ll see after you’ve left for work
- Let her control the television remote for an entire evening when you’re home…and watch her program choices with her.
- Send her a loving e mail message in the middle of the workday.
- Compliment her on her shoes
- Go to an event that she selects…and show your interest in the event
- Schedule a visit for her to a health spa to be pampered for a “no occasion” gift
- Allow her to select a movie for both of you to see and discuss the things you liked about the film afterwards
