Expectant Fathers

Lesson 4: Expectations While You're Both Expecting

Your Personal Expectations (4)

The next exercise is fun. You’re likely to discover some new things about each other which should lead to some interesting discussion. It is amazing how many details couple’s overlook about the other person…even when they “know them like a book.” Again, what you and your partner expect from each other shapes the extent to which you will both be satisfied with your relationship. Don’t be shy about stating expectations that are contrary to those of your spouse. This is a discussion. It isn’t a decision making session about whom or what is right. So where possible, answer the questions and talk about what does bring you satisfaction.

Play is one of the fundamentals of your relationship. The laughter you’ve shared with your partner has always been the opening for affection. So have a sense of humor while going through the questions. Laughter is the bridge to achieving hope. As with the other exercises, the more you play, the more you’ll learn about negotiating the expectations you have for the most important relationship in your life.

STEP 1: Each of you should take a piece of paper and pen or pencil. Together, randomly decide on twenty numbers between 1 and 60. Write the numbers down in a column on the left-hand side of your paper.

STEP 2: Below is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match the numbers you chose with the corresponding question. Each of you should ask your partner this question. If your spouse answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives the number of points indicated for that question, and you receive one point. If your spouse answers incorrectly, neither of you receives any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the higher score after you’ve both answered all sixty questions.

1. Name my two closest friends. (2)
2. What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3. What was I wearing when we first met? (2)
4. Name one of my hobbies. (3)
5. Where was I born? (I)
6. What stress am I facing right now? (4)
7. Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)
8. When is my birthday? (1)
9. What is the date of our anniversary? (I)
10. Who is my favorite relative? (2)
11. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)
12. What is my favorite flower? (2)
13. What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. What is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)
15. What makes me feel most competent? (4)
16. What turns me on sexually? (3)
17. What is my favorite meal? (2)
18. What is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2)
19. What is my favorite color? (1)
20. What personal improvements do I want to make in my life? (4)
21. What kind of present would I like best? (2)
22. What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)
23. What was my favorite vacation? (2)
24. What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed? (4)
25. Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)
26. What is my favorite sport? (2)
27. What do I most like to do with time off? (2)
28. What is one of my favorite weekend activities? (2)
29. What is my favorite getaway place? (3)
30. What is my favorite movie? (2)
31. What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do
32. I feel about them? (4)
33. What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)
34. Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)
35. What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)
36. Name one of my major rivals or "enemies." (3)
37. What would I consider my ideal job? (4)
38. What do I fear the most? (4)
39. Who is my least favorite relative? (3)
40. What is my favorite holiday? (2)
41. What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)
42. What is my favorite TV show? (2)
43. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)
44. What am I most sad about? (4)
45. Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)
46. What medical problems do I worry about? (2)
47. What was my most embarrassing moment? (3)
48. What was my worst childhood experience? (3)
49. Name two of the people I most admire. (4)
50. Name my major rival or enemy. (3)
51. Of all the people we both know, who do I like the least? (3)
52. What is one of my favorite desserts? (2)
53. What is my social security number? (2)
54. Name one of my favorite novels. (2)
55. What is my favorite restaurant? (2)
56. What are two of my aspirations, hopes, or wishes? (4)
57. Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (4)
58. What foods do I hate? (2)
59. What is my favorite animal? (2)
60. What is my favorite song? (2)

You can play this game with your own questions…or take turns asking questions of your partner. However, you must be prepared to honestly answer the same question asked each of you. Beginning with these “fact finders” you should continue to discuss your future dreams and plans. Begin by describing your own expectations regarding the present and future (your standards and ideals) and then listen to your partner’s response about the same expectation areas. By playing the game, both of you will find that many of these simple questions open subjects related to your lives as individuals and as a couple. The only rule is not to expect your partner to provide all (or even some) of the correct answers to the “fact finder questions”, and show respect for each other’s willingness to play the game. You judge the answer as correct but neither of you are sitting in judgment of the other.

Here’s another important exercise that will let you know your partner better and give you an idea of what you can expect from yourself and your spouse. It is a more serious exercise and may require more time than the others provided above.

1. What has happened in your life of which you are particularly proud? Include periods of stress and worry that you survived and mastered, small events that may still be of great importance to you, events from your childhood or the recent past, self-created challenges you met, periods when you felt powerful, glories and victories, wonderful friendships you maintained, and so on.

2. How have these successes shaped your life? How have they affected the way you think of yourself and your capabilities? How have they helped shape your expectations of yourself and others? How have they affected your goals and the things you strive for? How would you describe your greatest reward for achieving these successes?

3. What role has pride (that is, feeling proud, being praised, and expressing praise for others) played in your life? Did your parents show you that they were proud of you when you were a child? How? How have other people responded to your accomplishments? How do you express praise to others? Describe an instance when you were particularly proud of someone for something they did. How did you let them know of your pride for them?

4. Did your parents show you that they loved you? How? Was affection readily expressed in your family? If not, what are the effects and implications of this for your relationship? Did you feel closer to your mother or your father? Why? Did they show you affection in different ways?

5. What role does pride in your accomplishments play in your relationship? What role does your pregnancy play in your relationship? What do you want your partner to know and understand about these aspects of your self, your past, present, and plans for the future? Share a verbal picture of your family after the baby is two months old. Do the same for the future at two years and ten years.

6. What difficult events or periods have you gone through? Write about any significant psychological insults and injuries you have sustained your losses, disappointments, trials, and tribulations. Were these a result of being “let down” by someone or something? What did you expect in these instances that didn’t happen or happened in a way that was disappointing?

7. How have you survived these difficult experiences? What actions did you take to recover? What steps did you take to assure that they wouldn’t be repeated?

8. What is you principle source of strength in your life? How does this enable you to cope with conflict? How do you revive and restore yourself?

9. How do you characterize (describe) yourself as a spouse or partner when talking with friends? And when you’re talking with strangers? How do you characterize your spouse or partner when talking with these same two audiences?

10. What experiences from the past most affect your relationship today? What do you want your partner to know and understand about these aspects of your self?

11. How did your family express the following when you were a child?
    • Anger
    • Sadness
    • Fear
    • Affection
    • Deception
    • Joy
    • Celebration
    • Interest in one another

12. During your childhood, did your family have to cope with a particular emotional problem, such as aggression between parents, a depressed parent, or a parent who was somewhat emotionally wounded? What implications does this have for your relationship and your other close relationships (friendships, relationships with your parents, your siblings, your children)?

13. What is your own philosophy about expressing feelings, particularly sadness, anger, fear, pride, and love? Are any of these difficult for you to express or to see expressed by your spouse?

14. What differences exist between you and your spouse in the area of expressing emotion? What is behind these differences? What are the implications of these differences for you?

15. Imagine that you are standing in a graveyard looking at your own tombstone. Now write the epitaph you would like to see there. Begin with the words: "Here lies. . ."

16. What would you like your children to remember most about you as a person and as a parent? This may be called your legacy. What would you like your partner’s legacy to be?

17. As you begin a new family, what traditions, ceremonies, or family rituals would like to continue from your family? What traditions are differently expressed in your spouse’s family that you would like to incorporate into your own?

18. What aspirations do you have for your children, such as academic goals, hobbies, talents, and skills you’d like to see them develop? What aspirations did your parents have for you? Did you achieve them?

19. What significant goals have you yet to realize? This can be creating something, or having a particular experience. Minor examples are learning to play the piano, learn to speak Spanish, skydive, and so on.

Take a few moments to reflect on what you have just written. We are all involved in becoming the ideal person we hold in our expectations. In the struggle to become that person we all have challenges to meet and overcome.

Here are eight more topics to be openly discussed. You needn’t write the answers, they are talking items. Communication is the antidote to conflict. By opening communication, you close the door on conflict. Most couples don’t communicate enough; and when they do, it’s often to catch up on schedules and “to do” lists. You’re at the head of class talking with each other about the next meaningful topic: your family!

1. Describe the person and parent you want to become.

2. How can you best help yourself become that person?

3. What struggles have you already faced in trying to become that person?

4. What negative traits in yourself have you had to fight? Or still have to fight?

5. What would you most like to change about yourself?

6. What dreams have you denied yourself or failed to develop? Why?

7. What do you want your life to be like in five years?

8. How do you think you’ll feel watching your child graduate high school or college?

All of the above exercises and questions help you develop greater personal insight and understanding of each other’s life and world. Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self with your partner is an ongoing process. In fact, getting to know your spouse is a lifelong process. So expect to return to these pages from time to time to update your knowledge about yourselves and each other. Think about questions to ask your partner, like “If you could add an addition to our home what would it be?” or “What do you think the greatest challenge will be in having our baby?” of “What is your dream life for our family?” or “What is your greatest worry for us as an expectant couple?”

The last exercise explores your relationship goals for growth and improvement. It should be taken separately and the responses compared and discussed. 1 = Almost never 2 = Once in while 3 = Sometimes 4 = Frequently 5 = Almost always

_____ 1. How often do you and your spouse discuss the way you would like your relationship to be five years from now?

_____2. How often do you and your spouse make deliberate, intentional changes in order to strengthen your relationship?

_____ 3. How often do you and your spouse make specific changes in priorities in order to enhance your marriage?

_____4. To what extent do you think you and your spouse agree on long-term goals for your relationship?

_____ 5. How often does your spouse make a deliberate effort to learn more about you so he can be more pleasing to you?

_____ 6. How often does your spouse consider specific ways in which he can change in order to improve your relationship?

_____ 7. How often do you and your spouse discuss the primary objectives you have for your relationship?

Scoring: The test scores can range from 7 to 35. If your score is below 21, you may have some work ahead of you. It would indicate that you’re not accustomed to discussing the future or you believe your relationship doesn’t need to be strengthened. You may want to give this more thought. Although your relationship seems O.K., all couples benefit by planning together and concentrating on their future needs. You want to consider doing more activities together. This helps develop your individual differences while providing shared experiences that form the basis your “history”.

Having good times together is like making deposits into your emotional back accounts. The more you have, the more that will available when you face challenging times.

If you scored 28 points or higher…you’ve been studying and enjoying getting to know each other better during pregnancy.

Successful couples build and enhance their knowledge and understanding of each other in many important ways. For starters, they use the information to express their fondness and admiration for each other, to develop empathy for each other’s trials and tribulations, and to build respect for them as a couple. Pregnancy is a journey of discovery. By setting the right course for your relationship you’ll discover the joy of parenthood.

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