Expectant Fathers

Lesson 4: Expectations While You're Both Expecting

Expectations Three

Couples that discuss expectations about themselves at the start of pregnancy are way ahead of the game. It clarifies their ideas about future lifestyle changes, money, childcare, family relations, traditions, housework, and all of the other things that change during pregnancy. They talk together about the profound transition they’re experiencing in moving from a two-some to a pregnancy-some, and then to a soon-to-be three-some arrangement as the baby is born. This requires more than an adjustment in their elastic waist bands; it requires them to reassess their working and loving relationship.

Pregnancy is a crisis that requires a couple to reestablish their former relationship. In turn, this makes necessary the forming of new personal expectations for each partner that are harmonious with the other person. When expectations are similar, when they are aligned, a couple can be successful and free from disabling conflict.

A family has been described by psychologists as a system that undergoes developmental, growth, and change. As with individuals, growth and development which occur during the family cycle produce a number of crises. The term “crisis” doesn’t imply that something good or bad is happening. A crisis means a significant change is occurring that requires your immediate attention. It may be a new job or loss of a job; a new house or a move to new apartment; a newly acquired college degree or being asked to leave college; the diagnosis of a serious illness or winning the lottery; or it could be the death of a relative or birth of a new relative.

Life crises are generally described as being of two types: developmental and situational. Situational crises are seen as unexpected, stressful external events and may or may not coincide with a developmental crisis. Developmental crises, such as pregnancy, are somewhat different. They are seen as “normal” since most people experience them routinely during human development. They are marked by physical, psychological and social change and are characterized by a disruption in routine patterns of behavior. During these times, certain tasks must be faced and mastered with a reasonable degree of effectiveness if the next maturational stage of raising a family is to achieve its full potential.

Since pregnancy is part of most people’s lives and occurs during your younger adult years, it is considered a developmental as opposed to a situational crisis. It’s one step you go through while becoming an adult. By contrast, a situational crisis is something brought on by accident. Not that there aren’t accidental pregnancies, but a situational crisis is something that happens that is not a normal stage development. Couples failing to understand this concept of pregnancy being a developmental crisis and the need for them to adjust their expectations about each other miss the wonderful growth opportunity that accompanies pregnancy.

There are four basic principles related to pregnancy that every expectant couple should know.

First, parenthood (not marriage) is highly romanticized in our culture. Middle-class couples often unexpectedly find their new parental roles to be in conflict with socioeconomic and other roles. For example, if you’re a couple that loves to party with friends, parenthood will require a significant change in lifestyle. Or, if you’ve always had a Corvette as your only family car, you will find yourselves discussing sedans.

Second, couples are seldom trained for parenthood. There is little available in our society to prepare men and women to become fathers and mothers. Schools are more concerned with offering Driver Education than “Relationship Education”. Even sex education offers little or no skills-based training to students on the significance that self-respect, self-esteem, and gender responsibility has in their lives. High school, and I suggest it begin in the earlier grades, should offer courses on developing healthy romantic relationships and parenting. These topics appear too daring for school districts to approach.

Third, birth of an infant forces an immediate reorganization of the two person pattern (dyadic) of interaction into a triangular pattern (triadic). This can be particularly painful, especially if one member of the previous pair (often the father) is forced into the position of feeling isolated. This will be discussed in greater detail in later chapters.

Fourth, parenthood marks the final transition to maturity and adult responsibility in our society. At the point of expecting their first child, couples have achieved certain parity with their own parents. This can be a strange feeling for both of you. That is, being on the same level as your own parents while you’re parents yourselves.

How can you and your spouse begin achieving simpatico (alignment or togetherness) in your expectations? Here is a simple exercise to start you in the right direction. The following questions concern one another’s expectations about pregnancy and having a family. I encourage you to do this exercise in the middle of each trimester because so many things change during each period.

As with all of the exercises that will be suggested, I’d like you to think of them as investments in your relationship and family. Each question is meant to bring you and your husband closer together by making it easier to talk about issues and personal changes happening during pregnancy. Finding time together to complete this assignment may be difficult. But it is well worth it. By sticking with the questions and posing some of your own, you’ll both learn a lot about the person you love.

Begin by finding a quiet time when you and your partner can be alone. Set aside about 30 minutes for the exercise although you may find it interesting enough to continue beyond one half hour. Excuse making eye contact during the exercise. If you find it easy to make eye contact with one another, that’s great. But it’s sometimes easier to share images of the ideal mom or dad while staring into open space. Also, remember that expectations are mental pictures of your standards with which you judge yourself and others’ behavior. Think about life at home, your relationships with family and friends, finances, sexual activity, physiological changes, health, and your time together as you answer. The information you exchange with your partner is the beginning of achieving clear expectations while you’re expecting.

For Mom:

• Describe your expectations of yourself as an expectant mother. Write down at least three characteristics or qualities you expected from yourself before pregnancy and three characteristics that you expect from yourself now.

• Describe your expectations of the ideal pregnant mother. How should she ideally behave during pregnancy?

• How have your expectations about ideal couples changed during pregnancy? Write down at least three characteristics you believe are inherent in the ideal pregnant couple. Again, you don’t have to limit yourself to only three expectations.

• What do you expect from your spouse or partner during pregnancy?

• Describe the ideal expectant father? How should he behave? What behavior would you most admire in him? Remember, you’re describing the IDEAL father, not necessarily your partner.

• Describe how you think you should behave toward your partner during the pregnant months.

• Describe how your partner should behave toward you during pregnancy.

• Provide three words that best describe your present expectations of yourself. Provide three words that describe your expectations of your partner.

• How do you expect housework being handled while pregnant? What expectations do you have of your partner with regard to sharing chores around the house?

• How do you expect childcare to be handled after the baby is born? What expectations do have of your partner in this regard?

• Describe your expectations for yourself as an expectant father. Write down at least three characteristics or qualities that best describe what you expected from yourself before pregnancy and three characteristics that you expect from yourself now.

• Describe your expectations of the ideal expectant father. How should he ideally behave during pregnancy?

• How have your expectations changed for you as a couple? Try to write down at least three characteristics you believe are displayed by the ideal pregnant couple. Again, you don’t have to limit yourself to only three expectations.

• What do you expect from your spouse or partner during pregnancy?

• Describe the ideal expectant mother? How does she behave? What behavior does she show that you most admire? Remember, you’re describing the IDEAL mother not necessarily your partner.

• Describe how you think you should behave toward your partner during pregnancy.

• Describe how your partner should behave toward you during pregnancy.

• Provide three words that best describe your expectations of yourself. Provide three words that best describe your partner.

• How do you expect housework to be handled during the pregnancy? What expectations do have of your partner in doing chores and housework in general?

• How do you expect childcare to be handled after the baby is born? What expectations do have of your partner in this regard?

When you each make your expectations crystal clear, you have a recipe for success. When expectations are fuzzy, you leave room for misleading assumptions; and assumptions are the number one cause of arguments. When made, you leave yourself open to criticism about having made an embarrassing conclusion while lacking adequate information. You and your partner should be certain about what you expect from each other without making ghastly assumptions or having to second guess each other. We’re all familiar with the “I assumed he would...” or “I naturally thought that she would....” or “she always did it before...” or “she never did that before” or “anyone would expect that he would have.....” syndrome. These assumptions are used as excuses for simply not taking the time to check with the other person about their intentions.

If you and your spouse have completed the exercise above, you’ve updated some important information about each other and are well on your way to a renewed relationship. You may disagree about the “fairness” of what one another expects, but you won’t be making assumptions about it. One young couple stated it as, “we don’t always agree, but we know exactly what we disagree about.” This understanding gave them a chance to talk about their differences rather than fight about hidden agendas.

It is also the start of keeping each other up to date about events and feelings. Working from yesterday’s information is like relying on yesterday’s newspaper to keep you informed of today’s events. It simply doesn’t work.

Have your expectations changed? Has your partner’s expectations changed? How have they changed? Why have they changed? Do the two of you still agree on the things you intend on doing to meet each other’s expectations? It’s well known that assumptions frequently lead to misunderstandings and conflict. Now is the time to clear them out of your relationship by discussing the things you assume to be true of yourselves as individuals and as a couple.

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