Expectant Fathers

Lesson 3: What Are the Facts Regarding Expectant Dad Behavior...Affairs?

Stress...Part Two: Ted and Cindy

Could two people see things more differently? Cindy believed Ted to be doing great with the pregnancy and their relationship. She felt he was calm, committed, and happy. For Cindy, their life together was comfortable and she knew how Ted felt about the pregnancy. She also felt confident that the relationship had become stronger since the pregnancy. Ted, on the other hand, saw himself as an “outsider watching the event from the bleachers.” He felt increasingly distant from Cindy and the pregnancy. For Ted, Cindy wasn’t paying enough attention to his needs which he thought was reflected in his behavior. So much so, that it was obvious to everyone but his wife. He believed that she hadn’t noticed his increased nervousness, stress, and depression since the pregnancy began, and he was questioning the future of his relationship to Cindy.

It’s easy to suggest that Ted simply speak up and let Cindy know how he’s feeling. Let her know he feels left out of the pregnancy. He should say, “I’m feeling more needy right now and want more of your attention.” Closing the distance between them seems to be simple.

So why are they at this impasse in their relationship? In this particular case, Ted is the type of guy who isn’t very “expressive”. He sees discussing feelings as “weak” and not masculine. He also believes it would be upsetting to Cindy to talk about “his” problems at a time when he should be agreeable and supportive. One problem this couple is having is that Ted is confusing “being supportive” with “being honest”.

Ted is also making a big assumption expecting Cindy to notice changes in his moods. Furthermore, he assumes that she’ll find a way to make him less anxious and more comfortable. Like many men during pregnancy, Ted expects his pregnant wife to understand, nurture and reduce his nervousness over these nine months. His greatest concern, and the true source of his irritability, is that he felt left out of the pregnancy decision. So although upset, Ted is torn between confronting Cindy while she’s pregnant, thereby being accused of poor timing, and being honest with Cindy so they can work on the relationship. He feels in a dilemma with the problem.

To be truly supportive of Cindy and the pregnancy, Ted needs to be honest and open about his feelings toward the relationship. When he’s not, the problem festers and becomes more complicated. Over time, these issues make the situation worse since it becomes more shocking when they do surface. Cindy and Ted are two people, a couple, experiencing the same pregnancy, but with completely different expectations and views of each other. Each expects the other to anticipate their feelings and needs without clarifying what these feelings and needs are. Unless they compare their expectations of each other, this is a couple whose differences will increase over the months ahead.

Studies about couple communication show that while many expectant mothers think things are going great, they may not be looking closely enough at what’s actually going on for their partner. To know if everything is going great, couples have to talk with each other. They have to validate what they believe is occurring for their partner while sharing their own feelings. Couples who do well at building wonderful families deeply understand each others feelings. They discuss their expectations of the relationship and how they are changing. They manage the challenges of pregnancy by spending more time together and are able to describe their own concerns along with their partner’s. The steps to achieving a close relationship are easy, but they are not always evident.

Contrasting and often contradictory perceptions of each other’s feelings was a key finding of the study involving the 46 couples previously mentioned. Of course this particular group of men also harbored the other typical expectant father worries. Fifty percent of them had thought about the paternity of the child. Not that they doubted their wife's fidelity, but as stated, the immensity of pregnancy is such that it assures only one parent, the mother, undeniable claim on the new life. Many men feared the loss of their spouse and/or child during labor.

Others were most worried about the child having birth defects. There was apprehension over being replaced by other family members in the relationship with their spouse. Some men said they felt left out of the bonding process, which expectant mothers find natural with the fetus and later with the baby. In fact, it is this feeling of rejection that seems to contribute to outside sexual affairs rather than a lack of desire for their wife due to her changing appearance. And finally, many men cited a preoccupation with their mortality now that they were aware of the biological life cycle.

Several conditions can increase the frequency and severity of expectant fathers’ worries. First, men’s concerns become greater when the expectant mother is seen as unavailable either emotionally, physically, or sexually. Second, expectant fathers lacking social and familial support have higher stress levels than those having such support. Third, the cultural expectation placed on men that they should be strong enough to handle all the problems that accompany pregnancy is often unrealistic, making an expectant father feel like he’s a social failure.

The various types of worries for expectant fathers change as pregnancy progresses. Early pregnancy is marked by the emotional joy and pride of becoming a father. This is replaced later by a sense of panic as they confront their responsibilities as fathers. Men who believe they’ve been pressured into marriage or a cohabiting relationship because of the pregnancy are less enthusiastic and inclined toward harboring resentment toward the relationship.

As labor approaches men spend less time dwelling on their personal concerns about parenthood and begin worrying about providing adequate support to their partners during the actual labor. Some dads fantasize about not arriving at the hospital on time and having to deliver the babies themselves. And most expectant fathers have the nightmare worry that something terrible may happen to their wives during labor and delivery.

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