Expectant Fathers

Lesson 2: What DO Men Worry About During Pregnancy?

Getting to Know Each Other....Part Six

The anxiety of new fathers continues after the baby is born. In fact, psychologists sometimes refer to the first month as the First Month Slump. The baby may be feeling and thinking “feed me, change me, non-specific angst, and comfort me,” but dad is thinking “I can’t handle this responsibility, there’s not a nurturing bone in my body, I’ll go broker and we’ll all be homeless, I feel nothing for this baby, I’ll never have sex again, this baby feels nothing for me, I’ll drop the baby and she’ll break, and this can’t be mine (Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads by Gary Greenberg).”

A man doesn’t instantly jump into fatherhood. Relationships and his identity shift are too complex for that. Therefore, expectancy provides a transition from life arranged one way to life arranged in a different shape and rhythm. Yet, sitting back and waiting for the baby’s arrival on the assumption that there is nothing else to be done is to miss nature’s opportunity for smoothing the way to parenthood. Unfortunately, “I’ll just wait until it happens, or nature will run its course” is all too often the accepted attitude in our society. Psychologists and other professionals talk about the crisis and trauma of new fatherhood which implies that new fathers are almost always unprepared for their new roles and routines.

This doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t be the case. The opportunity of parenthood for you and your spouse will be enhanced by paying attention to your relationship. This is more important that attending parenting lectures, birthing classes, or watching delivery films. You may be surprised that I’m suggesting your relationship as more important than childbirth classes such as Lamaze. Objectively viewed, most classes only prepare an expectant father for assisting in and becoming involved in a single day in the life of his family.

An interesting although inconclusive study was made in northern California to determine whether prepared childbirth courses had a positive impact on the expectant father’s sense of inclusion in his new family. The investigators found no evidence that the classes helped give a stronger sense of belonging. It also had little or no effect on the quality of a couple’s relationship.

Rather, they speculated that the exposure to the physiology and anatomy of pregnancy, labor, and delivery tended to alienate men, since it pointed up the physical differences and their natural exclusion from the routine of the prenatal triad. The men in the study reported that while preparing them for the day of labor and birth, they did nothing whatever to prepare them for what was to come after. So, the study showed that your partner’s ability as a labor coach will not coincide with his skills as a father. In other words, a man’s presence at conception and then again at birth does not a father make.

It needs to be mentioned, however, that although the physiological information shared with your spouse in prenatal childbirth classes is primarily directed at the expectant mother, you, it is still important for him to learn the basics. But beyond these classes, you will find little is available in most communities on an institutional level to prepare expectant fathers for anything. It is worth mentioning again that preparing yourselves as a couple by strengthening your relationship is the number one step toward becoming consistent and healthy parents. This is a point that deserves repeating to one another throughout your pregnancy.

Another change expectant dads’ feel while “pregnant” is that the options associated with their romantic relationship close during pregnancy. Even the best relationships and marriages have an “if it doesn’t work out, oh well” clause associated with them. This shouldn’t be the case, but it is. In the worse situation, a marriage ends in divorce and the couple splits the pension fund, the furniture, and makes some short term sacrifices. That may nullify the “I love you” promise but not the “I am pregnant” situation.

Once men realize that they’re expecting a baby, it is obvious that they can’t simply walk away from their responsibilities. They know that an unresolved problem can put their relationship in jeopardy. So restlessness, “finding yourself, or having space to reconsider” are simply not options for either expectant parent. There are life altering obligations and responsibilities that accompany pregnancy. This feeling of “closure” can be disturbing to a lot of men. Pregnancy and becoming a dad may be the first time in their lives that they’ve truly felt the power of a life long commitment.

So far I’ve described feelings and responses to pregnancy that, while different for men and women, are not unique to either gender. Expectant moms have the same sense of becoming an adult and deep appreciation for the permanence of a family. However, there is one concern that is exclusively the domain of men.

In interviewing hundreds of men from all walks of life, the most frequently mentioned concern is: paternity, whether the child is actually theirs. This may seem incredible to you but at some point during their pregnancy the question occurs for over 75 percent of expectant fathers. Most pregnant dads quickly dismiss the notion and move on. But for some, particularly for unmarried expectant fathers, paternity can be a vicious and sometimes violent issue. We’ll see how this topic plays out in nature in a later chapter, but for now let’s listen to John.

JOHN: Debbie and I have been together for 4 years. We’re very compatible and in love. Our wedding was one of the happiest moments in my life. When she told me she was pregnant I was elated. To start a family is something we’d talk about since we were engaged. It was something we wanted to happen, had planned to have happen, and celebrated when we got the news. Both of us had been traveling a lot in our jobs over the past year so working on getting Debbie pregnant was something we worked on scheduling. It’s terrible to think that you have to schedule getting your wife pregnant but that’s how busy our work lives had become at the time. Then I don’t know what started me thinking about it, but I started to think back to the time when conception would have occurred. I began thinking, was she traveling around that time? Was that one of the trips she took with her boss? He’s a good looking, single young guy that Debbie describes as having an appetite for young women. Could she have strayed on one of these business trips? What about the night I couldn’t reach her in the hotel? Was the front desk actually trying to reach the wrong room? On and on went this crazy line of thinking. I couldn’t talk with Debbie about it because it seemed so out of character for the relationship. But for about a week I thought of little else then when our baby was conceived. Then I thought about our history together, how much we loved each other, how long we’d planned having a baby, how I trusted Debbie and she trusted me, how important it is to both of us, and the suspicions disappeared.

It may seem like an unwarranted concern for men, but it is a disturbing one for women if or when the subject comes up. Jerrold Shapiro, Ph.D. in his book When Men Are Pregnant summarized a study involving 227 expectant fathers over a span of five years. He concluded that “…more than 50 percent of the men surveyed acknowledged fleeting thoughts, fantasies, to nagging doubts that they might not really be the biological father of the child. This disquieting notion is regularly supported by several sources in modern day culture.” (Shapiro, 1993, p. 93) He also noted that although the percent of men questioning paternity may be higher than reported, a much lower percentage actually thought that their wives may have been sexually involved with another man. Shapiro suggests that many men apparently entertain at least the thought that another man may have been responsible for the upcoming birth.

As early as the year 330 B.C., Aristotle alluded to the issue of paternity: Mothers are more fond of their children than fathers are; for the bringing them forth is more painful and they have more certain knowledge that they are their own.

Most men handle the paternity issue like John. They “look at it, put it in the light of day”, hug their partner, and that’s the end of it. Others, however, can become obsessed with paternity doubt and base their entire future on their uncertainty. I’ve worked with men, particularly unmarried men and men who have been in their relationship a relatively short amount of time, who vehemently and painfully contest their paternity. They react in troubling and damaging ways making their paternity a life long issue. In the end, they destroy any hopes for a paternal bond or future family. There are ways to deal with this problem which will be addressed later, but for now, know that whether or not it is brought up by your partner, an expectant father’s question of paternity is a common concern.

The new fathers’ worries that I have described, with the exception of paternity, are undoubtedly similar to your own. Couples share many of the same frustrations, irritations, and doubts during pregnancy. It must be emphasized, however, that when these feelings and relationship expectations fail to be discussed by couples, they become serious issues affecting the future family.

If you think that dads worry too much, complain too much, and are too negative in their comments, it is important to note the answers of one typical group of dads to the question: What was your first response upon seeing your newborn child? Your partner will sound just like this!

• It was unbelievable. It was like a miracle; I couldn’t believe it was mine, or ours. I was glad the pain was over for her.

• I was surprised how excited I was. After such a long labor (6 hours) it suddenly came out...screaming and all. It was like getting high, it was so exciting. They gave the baby to me and I felt like I was holding an egg....so fragile.

• I was very excited....just on cloud nine...couldn’t believe it was really happening.

• I was thrilled. This was something we’d created and wanted. I was worried about the health of the baby but relieved when they told me it was healthy and fine. I have a beautiful daughter.

• It was thrilling right from the start. It was just a miracle.

• It was unbelievable. My wife was told to push and the baby’s head began to emerge. We didn’t know the sex of the baby and were hoping for a boy. We had a name picked out....and I called his name as they removed him from my wife. I was elated with everything.

• It was unbelievable. My wife was told to push and the baby’s head began to emerge. We didn’t know the sex of the baby and were hoping for a boy. We had a name picked out....and I called his name as they removed him from my girlfriend. I was elated with everything.

• It was unbelievable. My wife was told to push and the baby’s head began to emerge. We didn’t know the sex of the baby and were hoping for a boy. We had a name picked out....and I called his name as they removed him from my wife. I was elated with everything.

• I cried when I saw the baby; maybe for joy, for relief, that my wife’s pain was over. It was mix of all of that.

• I felt on top of the world. I wanted to run right out and call everyone I knew. It’s a boy and my wife is doing great.

• I was deeply moved by seeing him. It was seeing my future and being able to hold it my arms.

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