Expectant Fathers

Lesson 2: What DO Men Worry About During Pregnancy?

Getting to Know Each Other...Part Five

Most men want to be seriously involved in pregnancy and parenting and resent being portrayed as ignorant. Perhaps these “joking presentations” are better described as “betrayals” instead of “portrayals” because they reinforce all the wrong images of fatherhood. Giving a new dad a book that implies that expectant fathers are incompetent can be a quiet but deeply felt insult to him. Don’t get me wrong, some good natured humor is fine, but many of these books simply poke too much fun at a sensitive subject.

The serious worries of new dad’s typically follow an established course during pregnancy. Since there is little physical evidence of a baby in the earliest stages of pregnancy, men begin by thinking and worrying about easy things to describe like finances, budget, and making adjustments to their living space.

These issues are comfortable because they’re thought to be controllable. As the months pass, their worries turn to issues they may feel they have control over but which involve both of you, such as the romantic relationship, security in their job, their relationships with old friends, and their relationship with parents. I call these “lock in” worries because the decisions dads make about these issues locks them into future consequences. As the baby’s delivery gets closer, new dads’ tend to worry about more immediate and pressing concerns such as the health of the mother and baby.

Worries can range from benign to disturbing depending on the psychological state of the father, the relationship, and other changes that may be complicating his life at the time. Because the physical event of pregnancy happens over about 5 perceived months of time (to him), changes around and within him appear to be happening more quickly, making them difficult to comprehend.

Another way of describing the phases that expectant fathers go through is announcement, moratorium, and focusing. The announcement phase is the period between the first suspicion of pregnancy and its confirmation. The length of the announcement phase is variable and the expectant father’s reaction is dependent on whether or not the pregnancy is desired. Psychological denial of the pregnancy may be normal in lieu of the lack of physical changes in the father.

The moratorium phase is characterized by the man’s emotional distance from the pregnancy. Distancing behavior may allow the expectant father to work through any ambivalence that he is experiencing about the pregnancy. The length of this phase is quite individual but will range from a few days following announcement to several months. The average length of the moratorium phase is from the 12th to the 25th week of pregnancy. Marital tension and disruptions in communication among couples also characterizes this phase. They may experience feelings of alienation and resentment, and be at risk for continued marital parenting problems unless issues are resolved. Research shows that the more prepared the father is for this phase, the shorter, less stressful, and less damaging a moratorium he will experience.

The focusing phase usually begins around the 25th to 30th week of pregnancy and ends with delivery. It is during this phase that the expectant father experiences a change in attitudes and feelings regarding the pregnancy; he redefines himself in terms of his future paternal role.

You can think of these phases as three steps men take toward adulthood. The first step is denial of the event. The pregnancy is transparent to the expectant dad…he’s the recipient of the news but changes aren’t physically evident to him. The second step is irritation (moodiness) which comes in a variety of forms ranging from mild impatience because of the social disruption he may feel around him to severe moodiness indicative of a more serious behavioral problem. The final step is resolution of the pregnancy which is the acceptance and recognition of his role as a father.

One of the real milestone events for your husband during pregnancy will occur when he witnesses his first sonogram of the baby. It’s the first time he will actually “see” the baby. He’s seen the changes in your body shape, felt the baby kick, and heard the doctor reports on the condition of the pregnancy, but “seeing is believing” and the message is loud and clear: fatherhood is near! Up until this point in the pregnancy, becoming a dad has been a mental exercise. Now, the hands, feet, and other parts of the baby are actually saying “Hi Dad.”

I’ve seen men cry while watching these images for the first time, partly out of relief that their baby appears to have all of its parts, and because the true sense of fatherhood is emerging so quickly within them. Many of the same questions your spouse had at the beginning of pregnancy will again surface. Many first time dads that haven’t yet resolved these issues, do so once the sonogram experience brings the pregnancy into sharp focus. One first time dad said, “I can’t believe it’s real! It looks beautiful…it’s a baby. And look at those soccer legs, why it’s no wonder it kicks so hard. I feel great; I’m going to be a Dad.” For this expectant father, seeing the baby for the first time was a jarring experience which brought more excitement than he had expected. It also set in motion the reality of the pregnancy and the fatherhood issues he had so faintly considered previously.

• What will it be like as a father?

• Will I provide adequately?

• Will I acquire child-care skills?

• Will I be a good, worthwhile father?

• What will my child think of me as he or she grows up?

• What will life with an infant be like?

• What kind of mother will my wife be?

• What will our relationship be like after the birth?

• Will I be like my own father?

These are all excellent questions for the expectant father and are so universally expressed that they seem to be an integral part of their psychological preparation for birth. Throughout these nine months, it is worth remembering that pregnancy is a transitional step toward adulthood. Your entire past life has been spent as a “son” or “daughter” of a set of parents. Although this will continue, most couples feel the impending and strange sense of becoming parents themselves, a “mother” and “father”. For men, labels like “Dad, Daddy, Pop, and Father” have always referred to someone else. Many men say that they’re uncomfortable with these names at first, but become accustomed to them, and actually enjoy referring to themselves in these terms during the last trimester of pregnancy.

  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10