Expectant Fathers

Lesson 2: What DO Men Worry About During Pregnancy?

The Differences in Worries...A Deeper Look at Part Three

Given they take different approaches to their concerns and problems, are men’s worries really similar to women’s? You can get a good idea by meeting a group of dads who are in their 6th or 7th month of pregnancy. Some of the dads in the group are married and some are not; some are feeling great about their pregnancy and some are not. But all of them are first time expectant dads and more than willing to share their concerns. I’ve underlined their primary worry in the comments. Their remarks may seem selfish to you because of the personal nature of their concerns, in that respect they appear to be thinking only of themselves. However, keep in mind that they’re speaking from their own perspective…to a group of other men. Each expectant dad in the group mentions some worry that is bothersome to him while placing his problem in a masculine context.

JAMES: We’re living in an apartment right now. I thought we would have a house before Cindy became pregnant...but the best planning doesn’t always work out. The biggest change for me has been giving up the space I used to have in the apartment and wondering if we’ll be able to move to something larger. It’s odd to worry about having enough space but the apartment has only two bedrooms. I’ve always used the other bedroom as an office at home. But as the time approaches to have the baby, we’ve had to put most of my things in storage and convert what was my little part of the world to a nursery. There are baby things already everywhere, diaper pales, toys, clothes, all sorts of stuff for the baby’s arrival. I know it may sound selfish, but I worry about being moved out. And I don’t know when we’ll get a larger place to live. Cindy doesn’t seem to mind the changes but I get concerned over my small world getting smaller.

BILL: My primary worry is money! Right now we’re doing alright. Barb is still working but she plans to take about a year off with the baby. Making ends meet is going to be tough. Friends say the expenses with a baby aren’t as great as I imagine, but I don’t know if I believe it or not. When we were both working and not worrying over what we spent, things seemed great. I wasn’t concerned about job security or anything like that. We talked about my going back to school, advancing with my company, and where we’d go on our next vacation. Now all I think about is my job, maintaining our health benefits, the cost of delivery, the cost of child care when it comes to that, and paying off the debts we’ve managed to accumulate. The pregnancy was a surprise for me. Barb had stopped taking birth control pills after a doctor had recommended it and we’d heard so much about the length of time other couple’s had to work to get pregnant. For us, it took about one month. I have confidence that everything will work out fine, but money is my big worry.

JACK: Amy and I aren’t married yet. We’re planning on having a wedding soon after the baby is born. We’ve had a wild couple of years together. We’re both pretty social and I have a lot of single friends. This wasn’t an issue until Amy became pregnant. At first, we continued doing the things we enjoyed like going to parties, being with friends, and staying out late. What I’ve noticed in the past several months is Amy doesn’t want me spending time away from her. She’s being great with the pregnancy and taking good care of herself. But my old friends seem to be a threat to her and the relationship. She’s talked about getting married before the baby but I think this is just to make sure we’re going to be together. I intend to get married and think it better after the baby is born. So I guess I worry about not having the same buddies around as before. Old habits die hard. Another thing is my car. I have a pretty racy Camero...loaded. It’s taken me a long time to get the car to where I really enjoy it. With a baby, the car is just impractical. It’s too expensive to maintain and being an older model it lacks the safety features we’ll need as a family. So, out goes the car and in comes the wagon.

KEVIN: I’m extremely excited about the pregnancy. I guess my biggest concern is that my relationship to Tracy is and will continue to be different. There have times when we haven’t seen eye to eye on some things. In fact, we’ve had our share of arguments and they haven’t been pretty. Things have settled down during the last few months as we’ve talked about the pregnancy. But we have a lot of years and a lot of decisions to make regarding raising a child. I hope she will consider my opinion more on things and that we’ll have a way to gently settle our disputes. We’re both stubborn when it come to our habits and having things our own way. So this can be a problem when it comes time to decide all the things that go along with being parents.

PAUL: Jackie and I have always been a strong couple. We’ve been together for about 5 years and do everything together. As the pregnancy has progressed, there has been much more contact with family and friends. This is something new to us. Or I should say for me because it doesn’t seem to bother Jackie. I’m just not used to having our time shared by other people. It’s natural for her family, particularly her parents, to be interested. This is their first grandchild and they’re very excited about it. I’m just used to having our time to ourselves, talking, quiet evenings, staying at home, and sharing our time. Now, it seems everyone wants to visit our house and it’s never been busier. What’s my biggest worry? That Jackie and I won’t have the same intimate, close relationship we’ve had. We’re going to have to share so much more of our time with family and friends.

KEN: I have one big worry...mine and my wife’s parents! They don’t get along. So what will happen when they have to share a grandchild will be a challenge. My wife and I are both worried about the situation. There was some disagreement a couple of years ago and their relationship with each other has been difficult ever since. Mandy is close to her parents and I’m close with mine. I just hope this doesn’t come between us as a couple.

JOE: I’m determined to be the best Dad ever which is a huge responsibility. When I was growing up my own father just wasn’t around enough. We didn’t do many things together, he was always working or away from home. There were four kids in the family, I was the second youngest. I really don’t know what a “good Dad” does but I’m going to be much more involved. I worry about living up to my expectations and Mandy, my girlfriend’s expectations. I also worry about maintaining our morale as a couple. We’re really motivated to succeed as a couple. We’re also committed to having a family together. Marriage is something we both assume for ourselves. So I have two main worries: being a better father than I had and keeping our relationship in good shape for a family.

PETER: I have always enjoyed traditions. I think often about the kind of routines and special times I’d like for my own family. Now that it’s happening for us, we spend time talking about how to spend the holidays, what will make our family special, what will mean the most to our child when he or she is an adult. It takes more than pictures to have a family history. It takes an emotional experience that a family shares together. Yes, families develop these things over time, but many families that I see never seem to have it together. They don’t find the time to support or celebrate themselves as a family.

MATT: I seem to be obsessing over the health of the baby. My wife, Angie, takes really good care of herself and everything seems normal. I can’t, however, stop worrying about the baby being healthy. This is strange to me since I don’t know of any situations or close friends that haven’t had healthy babies. There are times when I dream bad things happen at the birth. I would love this baby regardless of what might happen but I hope most that it is healthy.

AARON: I’m like Matt. The difference is that I worry most about the health of my wife, Donna. She’s very petite and never has been very strong. Again, like Matt, my wife is doing great. Everything looks healthy, the docs say “no problem”, but I know how lost I’d be without her. We’ve developed a wonderful relationship over the last six years. We’d both refer to each other as best friends as well as partners, husband and wife. I dread being at the delivery because I know she’ll be in pain. That will hurt me too. We’ve talked about it and she’s told me not to worry but you don’t exactly plan the things to worry about. When she hurts, I’ll hurt. And when it’s over I’ll feel such a sense of relief.

TOM: As a couple, we’ve had our daily pressures. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, we’re not married. We’ve known each other a little over one year now. I was laid off work three months ago. Since then, we set up house together in my apartment which was the larger of our two places. It’s hard to imagine more going on in our lives with our living together, her working different shifts as a waitress, my looking for work, her father becoming critically ill one month ago, bills coming in faster than income, prenatal visits, and so on. There are some days when the pressure gets to both of us. Those are the worst days. We get irritated with each other and say things we shouldn’t to each other. But we hope...that’s a big thing for us. We think about the baby which is what things are about right now. We truly believe that our hope will create happiness for us. I don’t know, though, if we can take any more pressure in our lives and yet that’s what will happen when we have our baby. There are days when I wonder how we can with stand the stress of it all.

EDWARD: I’m probably the odd one in this group because I really want a boy. Maybe I’m worried that it will be a girl and I don’t know much about girls, that is taking care of a little girl. My wife would like a boy for me, but I know she really simply wants a healthy baby. I do too. But it sure would be easier for me if it’s a boy.

RON: I feel like the only one going through some tremendous mental hassles. Over the past several months I feel down about things, depressed, anxious, and generally outside of myself. Maybe I’m in denial about the pregnancy, but it just doesn’t seem real and yet I’m having more problems coping with everyday problems. My wife simply doesn’t seem to understand that I can be depressed while she’s so happy about having a baby. This makes me feel even more alone. She’s got her friends, people to cheer her on, and I’m sitting on the sideline feeling needy. Then there’s the guilt I feel about not getting more involved. I think “what do people think” of me acting gloomy instead of being overjoyed. After all, this is our first pregnancy, we’ve talked about it for months before it happened, we planned it actually, then it’s going on and I’m like an observer; concerned that I won’t be able to cope or begin acting like my former self.

ROBERT: Biggest worry? My weight! It may sound weird but as Joy has gained weight, 35 pounds already, I can’t seem to stop eating and putting on the pounds too. I’ve always taken pride in being a stable 180 pound guy. Now, in about 6 months I’m at 235! Joy is eating more than before the pregnancy and I’m right there with her, only bigger portions. She lays down on the weekend to rest and I feel tired as well. Actually, early in the pregnancy when she was feeling sick in the mornings, I was feeling sick as well. It’s like I’m the one going to have the baby, which I guess I am, but I’m not going to shed the weight as quickly or at all. Our friends have said that Joy will have the baby and I’ll be delivering a Chevy.

BRIAN: My wife and I have been married for about 4 years. We get along O.K. I have a temper, which seems to have gotten worse since she became pregnant. I’m less tolerant, more irritable, and more out spoken over the last couple of months. The biggest concern I have is being supportive enough toward my wife. She’s going through a lot with the pregnancy and needs me more than ever. I seem to lose track of this sometimes and let my emotions get the best of me. Maybe some of it is triggered by her mood changes. It seems like within 10 minutes she can go from happy to miserable. And I’m trying to figure out what’s going on for her. When she can’t find the words to describe it, I get sore like she’s holding back on me. That only seems to make the situation worse. I’d like to know more about what to expect during pregnancy and to be more supportive to my wife.

Let me summarize the complete list of eighteen worries expressed by the dad group with the manly, self serving interests removed. The list constitutes the most frequently described worries of all soon-to-be fathers. So it isn’t hidden beneath their bravado, all dads-to-be have worries that are truly about you, the baby, and himself.

• Having enough personal space once the baby is born.

• Money.

• Letting go of former friends and lifestyle.

• Taking on the added responsibility of fatherhood and being a good father.

• Having a comfortable way of making decisions with his partner.

• Having former relationship problems continue or worsen in the future.

• Being able to adjust to extended family needs (grandparents and other relatives).

• Having harmonious relations among the extended family (grandparents).

• Being a better father than his own.

• Being able to develop meaningful family traditions.

• Having a healthy baby.

• Having a healthy partner through pregnancy and birth.

• Being able to balance the daily pressures with the additional responsibilities of raising a family.

• Having a baby of a particular gender.

• Coping with the stress of pregnancy.

• Coping with unique behavioral problems such as depression and anxiety.

• Being able to manage his physical health and changes during pregnancy.

• Providing enough support to his partner. >br>

If you were to ask any group of expectant dads which items from the list are their particular worries and concerns, every expectant father will chose at least five items from the above list. Some men will obsess about one or more of these worries simultaneously; while others will rotate through the worry list, giving each one a fair turn.

Expectant fathers usually worry about financial matters in the earliest stage of pregnancy, but by the second trimester they’ve move on to worrying their weight gain, or about your weight gain, then the relationship with their partner, and then sex (some feeling an insatiable urge during pregnancy and others worrying about their not having an urge at all).

As delivery gets closer, dads dwell more on the health of the mother and baby as well as how to fulfill their future roles as fathers. A specific worry may flash through their minds during a day, a week, a trimester, or throughout the pregnancy. I find it fascinating that expectant dads can worry so intensely about something one day and replace it with something else the next. And men often say that women are fickle!

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