Expectant Fathers

Lesson 2: What DO Men Worry About During Pregnancy?

Asking Your Partner: Do You Know Me? Read on for a Surprise!

Psychologists help people recognize and cope with their strongest needs and frustrations everyday. Many of the problems patients present are debilitating and paralyzing. They may affect their ability to work, form relationships, or participate in life’s joys. Success is achieved in therapy when these problems and frustrations are placed in proper perspective and achievable solutions are found to fulfill the patients’ needs. A wise professor of mine once said, “When patients expect themselves to do better, they do!” In other words, when people are clear about their expectations of themselves and become confident that they can meet these expectations, they take control and feel better about their lives.

As a couple expecting a child, you want to fully achieve your hopes and dreams during pregnancy. To do this, you and your partner must make your needs and concerns available to each other. You have to recognize and adeptly manage your most powerful worries, stresses and expectations during pregnancy. But, you must do this together. If you choose to keep them hidden, you place your relationship and future at risk. When you openly reveal them to each other, discuss them, explore them, compare them, find the similarities and differences in them, you gain perspective and your couple needs will be easier to meet.

Think of needs, concerns, and expectations as being recorded on a strip of film. While they’re on the film, the images are hidden. You can’t see them. When the film is developed you can only see the image by holding it up to the light so only one person at a time can view the details of the picture. But when the negative is exposed and printed, you can enjoy the photo with everyone.

The same thing happens with your needs, concerns, and expectations when you openly share them with your spouse. They become positive. They become clear and you both get to view them together. But while they’re hidden, they remain negatives. To eliminate negativity in your relationship, you and your spouse have to expose your worries, fantasies, dreams, plans, ideals, and frustrations with one another. It isn’t necessarily easy. There are no “digital” relationships in which flaws can be altered and pictures eliminated with a push of a button. But it will be easier using the methods suggested in later chapters. The really good news about this is that the development process is free! Achieving your hopes as a couple during life, and particularly during pregnancy, simply requires talking about them.

While it takes a couple’s motivation, cooperation, participation and commitment to make a relationship rock solid, one partner inevitably initiates the communication process. It may take two to tango, but there is always one that leads. In relationships, for reasons that will be described later in the course, this partner is most often the woman. I might be tempted to say that it’s because of their intuitive nature, or their innate desire to nurture and protect their families, or that women are simply more likely to raise emotional subjects, ask sensitive questions, and confront conflict sooner than men, but the fact is that women initiate meaningful couple discussions far more often than men.

When you, the expectant mom, understand how men and women approach relationships differently; learn the methods for assessing your partner’s expectations during pregnancy; anticipate the thoughts floating through the typical expectant dad’s head; and become aware of the kinds of things men do as a result of these thoughts, you’ll be more confident, determined, and able to bring your relationship to a higher, more enjoyable level. Although it isn’t your sole responsibility to strengthen your relationship (it’s a partnership!), I’ll be directing my message to you. The goal is to share the facts, figures, and coupling techniques with your partner so that your relationship and pregnancy will be the best time of your lives. It will be a continuous Kodak moment.

We both know that being pregnant is an overwhelming time for you. And you may feel like screaming at me, “Stop already! My plate is overflowing with things to do and advice as it is.” After all, you’re dealing with your own stress, worries, fatigue, physical changes, appointment schedules, behavioral and hormonal changes, along with a never ending parade of people asking how you’re feeling. There is probably very little time or energy in your life right now to even consider any more “pregnancy” concerns; particularly those related to your husband’s needs, problems, and relationship issues. You’re fully justified in feeling this way. It should be your time; personal time; a time when it’s right for you to be thinking about your future, to picture yourself as a mom, to read and learn about your pregnancy, labor, birth, and parenting, and to nurture your body spirit, and mind. This is a remarkable and special time when you need the most emotional support of your husband, family and friends.

So why do I suggest that you initiate a dialogue about pregnancy and parenting with your husband? For two reasons; first, it’s a special time for your baby’s dad as well as you and second, because when you understand how and what your husband is thinking you’ll be in a better position to influence and achieve the closeness you both deserve and crave. He wants this closeness as much as you do.

But communication and the expectations have a way of becoming cluttered and confused during pregnancy. By working together at clarifying these expectations, you’ll be setting up a strong communication patterns that will keep your relationship fresh and wonderfully ready for your new family.

It is clear that you and your husband’s personality characteristics, approaches toward problem solving, and means of expression play a large role in shaping your receptivity to parenthood. Tolerance for ambiguity, flexibility and adaptability, capacity for relationships, and individual needs and motives are examples of personality characteristics that influence behavioral changes during the transition to parenthood. How you express these characteristics can be consciously shaped and changed in ways that leads to growth for any couple.

Of course being able to talk about feelings with your husband may be easier said then done. Men and women have different ways of expressing themselves. They also form expectations about one another that don’t always seem fair or justified. Countless women have said that men can completely miss the messages shared with them about personal and relationship needs, even when they’re sent via a blunt instrument. That’s why learning about expectant father thinking and behavior will prepare you to communicate effectively and get the most from your time together.

Athletes know that they must warm up before they can deliver their best performance. Talking with someone about feelings requires warming up also. It’s usually easer to begin by describing personal facts, rather than feelings. This is how you typically introduce yourself to other people. Later, you’ll learn to comfortably talk about feelings and expectations. But for now, you and your partner will warm up with a quiz called “Just the Facts, Man”. It’s a quick set of questions you can ask each other that will reveal just how much detail each of you knows about the other. Write down your answers to the following questions, and then exchange papers. Most important: no cheating, no judging the other person, and no taking this exercise too seriously. Have fun with it!

1. What is my favorite color?
2. What is my dress size? (Shirt size)
3. What is my shoe size?
4. What is my height?
5. Did I play a musical instrument when I was a child?
6. When is our anniversary?
7. When is my birthday?
8. What was I wearing when we first met?
9. Where did we go on our first date?
10. When did we first kiss?
11. What is my favorite flavor of ice cream?
12. Where did we go on our first vacation?
13. Where were you when I first announced we were expecting a baby?
14. Where was I when I first announced to you that we were expecting a baby?
15. Who is my best girl friend? (Best guy friend for your husband)

A score of 8 correct answers indicates that you know a fair amount of detail about the other person…or you’ve been peeking in their diary or closet. A score greater than 8 indicates that you’re paying close attention to detail. If you both achieve high scores, you’re undoubtedly a couple that shares a lot of experiences together, such as shopping, chores, and just hanging out with each other. Scores below 8 indicate the need for some education. A resume is a poor substitute for learning the facts about yourselves but the exercises further along in the course will definitely open your eyes.

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