Lesson 4: Helping Others To Overcome Personal Grief

Giving Space ...Some Mistakes to Avoid

Now that we have discussed the ways in which you may be helpful to your friend, here are some commonly made mistakes that need to be avoided.

• Don’t expect the bereaved to be “over” their loss at any time. It does not matter if you do not voice this; your attitude will show what is on your mind. Please remember that there is no time limit on grief. Similarly, don’t seek to impose your opinion of what the proper grieving process should be onto the other person. Please remember that grief is a highly personalized emotion, which is experienced and dealt with differently by each person whom it affects.
• Don’t attach value to a lost one; i.e. don’t say (or think) “well, it’s not like you guys were married” or “you are young; you can have more kids”, or “you‘ll fall in love again“. Similarly, don’t seek to set up a widow(er) on dates. Not only is this disrespectful to the bereaved, it also sets up the other person for a bad experience.
• Don’t accuse the bereaved of using her/his grief as an excuse to withdraw or let responsibilities slide. Similarly, avoid judgment on her/his behavior, such as staying in bed all day or crying all day.
• Avoid platitudes. While you, personally, may believe and feel comforted on a daily basis by “god’s plan”, the deceased’s being in “a better place”, or “the ways of the circle of life”, do not impose these beliefs on your friend, how may not share your faith, or who may be struggling through a spiritual crisis her/himself, seeking to reconcile their faith in a deity with the loss s/he just suffered.
• Don’t make promises you can’t/won’t keep.4 Don’t commit to helping with yard work every week, and then find yourself unable to do so when soccer season starts. Similarly, don’t be the daily homework helper for the children only to suddenly quit when your school schedule picks up again.
• Watch your words. “I am so sorry for your loss...I love you” goes a long ways. Comparing the bereaved’s loss to a loss you experienced a while ago is not helpful. Remember that each person grieves differently, and if the bereaved just lost a husband, yet you are recalling the loss of your great-uncle, this comparison will not help.
• Ignoring warning signs. While there technically is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are a variety of unhealthy grieving patterns, such as substance abuse or self-medicating. There is also the threat of suicide. Do not turn a blind eye if you see warning signs; similarly, do not turn a deaf ear if the bereaved speaks of their own death or committing suicide. Even if you suspect it might be on the bereaved’s mind, ask! Be direct, for example a question such as "Have you been thinking about killing yourself?” asks for a specific answer. If you think that there is a danger of suicide, or if the bereaved answers with a “yes”, “maybe”, or “sometimes”, please do not wait and do no hesitate to seek help! Section 1, Unit 3 of this course offers some resources for suicide prevention. Err on the side of caution and use them!
  
  
  

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