Coping with Grief

Lesson 4: Helping Others To Overcome Personal Grief

Being Practical...When Others Cannot Be

Any practical help you can offer your bereaved friend will be very much appreciated. If you see something that needs to be done, ask if you could do it for your friend. Don’t ask if there is anything s/he would like you to do around the house (unless the house itself is in an immaculate condition) -- astonishingly, the most practical individual will not know what help s/he needs in a time of extreme grief. Instead, open the refrigerator; if it is empty, let the bereaved know you will be running to the store for her/him and ask if there is anything special they would like.3 Other practicals include:

• Returning books to the library
• Picking up the dry cleaning
• Mowing the lawn and doing some overall yardwork
• Walking the dog; talking it to the groomer/vet
• Doing some laundry
• Cooking some meals
• Cleaning the house
• Helping the kids with the homework or taking them to school

Other items with which a friend will need help deal with the funeral, its planning as well as the notification of relatives. Here you can shine and take the responsibilities on your shoulders:

• Ask whom you can notify of the death and of the plans for the wake/funeral and keep a record of whom you informed and when
• Offer to arrange housing for incoming friends and relatives, and inform them of the plans made.
• Pick up/return out-of-towners from/to the airport.
• Do the lion’s share of the “Thank You” notes

Of special consideration, and already touched upon, is the care of children. If the bereaved appears unable to help the children in their grieving, volunteer to stay over or find someone trusted and known to the children who can do so and who can help them express their grief. The same is true for the funeral; find someone who can accompany the children and be their exclusive support during that event.

Another situation requiring special sensitivity is that of an elderly person losing her/his life partner. Not only has a life-time of companionship come to a close, but very frequently the bereaved may now face the inability to continue living in the environment to which s/he had become accustomed, be it for financial reasons or simply because the loved one was a major care provider to the bereaved, who, without this assistance, will be unable to care for her/himself. If you find your friend in such a situation, you may very likely need to make some personal decisions, how far you will be able to help your friend. For example, if the issue is one of financial inability, you may be able to help your elderly friend with the phone calls and paperwork needed to enlist government financial assistance. Similarly, if a caregiver is needed, you may wish to confer with the family and offer to help out with finding a suitable helper; however, be prepared that sometimes the wishes of the bereaved and the wishes of the family may be opposed to one another. In such instances it is best to simply support your elderly friend as unwanted changes to her/his living situation are made.

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