Lesson 4: Helping Others To Overcome Personal Grief
Introduction
This last section will speak directly to you, the friend of the grieving person. Having discussed the various forms of grief, and also some of the causes of grief, the question that overwhelms many a friend in the aftermath of a death is “What can I do?” It has been observed that many will stay away from a woman who has suffered a miscarriage, simply because they do not know what to say and what not to say.
This last section will offer you practical advice on how you can be there for a friend, without overwhelming that person, but also without feeling awkward yourself.
Being There Without Feeling Awkward
Intense emotions have a way of attracting or repelling others. Intense love or an intensely positive outlook on life, for example, will attract others, while intense hatred or negativity will repel them. Intense grief is the kind of emotion that will put others in limbo: they know someone needs help and they want to be there, but the rawness of the emotion, the ambiguity of the societal expectations of the grieving process, and other factors, such as discomfort with the topic of death, may quite often keep friends away or send them to the sidelines. This is not necessary. Here are some hands-on practical tips on how to be someone’s friend in a time of grief without feeling awkward or out of place:
- You don’t have to do the talking.1 Hugs and holding hands speak louder in a time of grief, and the bereaved will not expect you to have all of life’s answers. Instead, be willing to just listen.
- Initiate contact. Don’t expect your bereaved friend to call you or come to visit you. Instead, call her/him very frequently. Stop by and see if they are up for a game of checkers (or whatever past-times they may enjoy) or bring by pie and some hot chocolate and a couple of plates. Invite yourself to tea -- and then bring it yourself. Even you sit together in silence, your presence is what counts; so is the opportunity you give your friend to talk to you if they wish.
- Send/bring cards frequently and keep them upbeat. In a time when the mail will deal with death certificates, insurance policies, bills, and probate letters, a “pick-me-up” card of encouragement will be a ray of sunshine.
- Don’t squirm.2 When the bereaved begins pouring out their heart to you about the deceased and any unresolved issues they feel are there, listen and nod. If you need to find someone else to pick up your child from soccer practice and get her/him some dinner, so be it.
- Don’t seek to urge the bereaved on toward “getting over it”. In the midst of the most intense grief, even the perception that there will be a light at the end of tunnel appears unrealistic to the bereaved.
- Tread lightly when seeking to rationalize the death. Avoid such statements as “he is no longer suffering”. There is no comfort in those words.
There are a variety of resources available that help friends who want to further understand how to help; for example, if you wish to understand how a person feels if they lose a sibling, please visit the Sibling Resources of the The Compassionate Friends site.
