Coping with Grief

Lesson 3: Children And Grief

Grieving for a Parent or Close Relative

In the first chapter of this section we have already touched on the ways children grieve. Many times these aforementioned manifestations of grief may be amplified if the death is that of a parent, caregiver or other very close relative. Building on the characteristics of juvenile grief previously explained, I would like to add in this context the following suggestions:

• Expect hard questions. For a child it is almost inconceivable that one of her/his parents should die. When this happens, however, be prepared to answer any questions s/he will have. Answer as directly as is age-appropriate, and avoid adult terms such as “passed on”, “lost”, “passed over”. Instead use the terms that describe what happened, i.e. “died”, “was killed”, or maybe even “was murdered”.4 Please remember that children thrive on directness and honesty, while the more adult modes of communication, such as innuendo and allusion are oftentimes foreign to them. Similarly, at a time of such extreme upset it is vital that a child will receive clear and succinct answers to her/his questions that offer some form of explanation or plan.
• Include the child in your own mourning and help them to say “good-bye”. Give the child avenues of expressing her/his grief and help them to find resolution. Set up a little area in the backyard where the child may go and take flowers to and talk loudly to the deceased. Similarly, allow the child to write letters to the deceased, and then burn them together at the graveside. Do whatever you can to give the child a possibility to seek closure. In addition to the foregoing, younger children may find a release in drawing pictures, looking through photo albums or maybe even preparing a scrapbook. While adults sometimes seek to remove pictures to at least temporarily take the edge of their personal pain, children will not understand such behavior, and the physical loss of the person will be aggravated by the perceived abandoning of the memory of the person as well.
• Allow reminiscence. Even though you yourself will be in the depth of grief, understand that your child will be looking to you for help. Even if it amplifies your grief, allow the child to talk about what her/his mom used to do when they sat down for lunch. If you don’t think you can handle this, it is a good idea to arrange for a babysitter or close relative to come stay with you for a short while and help with your child until you can take over this function yourself again. Whenever possible, reaffirm the child’s reminiscing with statements such as “Your mom’s walnut salad was the best.”

It is imperative that you, who are also grieving, understand your personal limitations and get your child the help s/he may need. You may not be able to provide the help at this time, and that is ok. Instead, find a counselor, friend, or close relative who will be able to help with the child until you feel your are ready to take on the child’s grief in addition to your own.

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