Coping with Grief
Lesson 2: Different Kinds Of Grief
The Loss of Trust...Death of a Loved One by Suicide or Murder
Suicide
Suicide is one of society’s most stigmatized forms of death. Being decried in many religious practices as being hell/hades bound, and being seen within society as cowardly individuals, the dead are often judged by the living and found lacking. Similarly, the bereaved, left to pick up the pieces after a suicide, will often feel the stigma of this death; friends and family speak in whispers, often second-guessing the reasons for the suicide, and very often seek to either gloss over the fact that the death occurred by suicide, or simply refuse to acknowledge the death altogether.
In addition to the foregoing, a suicide is not usually done with malicious intent of the deceased, but instead is a desperate act of a pained individual who did not see a solution/way out in a moment of darkest despair. The bereaved is oftentimes aware of the situation, and quite possibly is actively involved in helping the deceased. Thus, the suicide is even more devastating , in that it elicits feelings of extreme guilt within the survivors, who second-guess their every move, wonder what they should/could have said/done differently that could have prevented this tragedy. The next most likely emotion is one of anger. 5 Most likely, the bereaved will be angry with the deceased for not asking for help, yet also angry with her/himself for not seeing the need for help much clearer. This personal anger may often be turned inward, resulting in self-destructive behavior, and also in a seeming inability to get close to others.
It is imperative that friends and family do not treat the grieving individual as a second-rate mourner, and the dead as person devoid of morals and worth. The first order of business must be the removal of the stigma of suicide from within the family and circle of friends. This is best done through education, commitment to the bereaved, and love for the deceased. Resources for those left in the wake of such a death can be found at Advice and Counsel , Reflections of a Survivor , and /or The Grief Response Experienced by Survivors of Suicide.
Murder
Those who loose a loved one through the violence of murder not only face the normal issues of grief, but the added trauma of facing the fact that their loved one was a victim. Anger oftentimes becomes an all-consuming rage 6, and a need for information very often turns into an almost self-destructive search for each intricate details of the victim’s suffering. These emotions are compounded by the legal proceedings that follow the apprehension of the criminal, or the lack thereof and the lack of closure that go alongside the failure to apprehend the murderer.
Friends and family will readily rally to the side of the bereaved, but may feel uncomfortable by the intensity of the pain and anger s/he is experiencing. It is important to remember that this is not a time to judge the “appropriateness” of the expression of the grief, but instead a time to simply be there. Please understand that emotions of the bereaved may run the gambit of a variety of emotions, yet all with a startling intensity 7, :
- One of these emotions is anger, which may be directed at people (i.e. friends of the victim), the criminal, and even a deity. Such anger may sometimes be expressed in fantasies of exacting retribution, revenge, or physical pain of the person against whom the anger is directed. This is a normal reaction to a world left shattered by the acts of another, and should not be chided. The only time that friends and family should intervene in this anger are the times that it either becomes self-directed, or that the bereaved appears as though s/he will take action.
- Another is fear, which is also a normal response to an action which should not have happened and which stands against everything this society expresses and believes in.
- The last one we will look at is self-blame which is another normal response. It often occurs if there is an unresolved situation between the murderer victim and the bereaved or if the victim was a child. The bereaved will second-guess her/his actions and, much like in the case of a suicide, seek to find where s/he went wrong in failing to prevent the event. Such self-blame may give way to self-destructive behavior, such as self-medication, and friends and loved ones should be aware of such warning signs. Unlike anger, self-destructive behavior should be dealt with immediately. It is a fallacy to assume that the bereaved will “get it out of her/his system” and will feel better in a short while. Self-destruction may be a path from which the bereaved may not recover!
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