Coping with Grief
Lesson 2: Different Kinds Of Grief
The Loss of Hope...Death of a Child
The death of a child is every parent’s most dreaded nightmare. Whether the child is already grown and out of the house, still in infancy, or maybe even still in-utero, this kind of grief is impossible to prepare for, and also impossible to overcome. The child will always be a part of the family’s life, and while the pain may dull after a while, it will be a constant companion. Not surprisingly, the death of a child is one of the hardest occasions a family may ever have to face, and many a marriage has fallen apart under its strain. Additionally, no other death brings as much seclusion as this: friends with children will avoid the bereaved, for fear of deepening the pain, but perhaps also for fear of facing their own worst nightmare. Similarly, those without children often do not understand the depth of this pain and may even feel that a parent should get over it, since they could have another child either by birth of through adoption.
Miscarriage
Both parents feel the loss, but the mother is probably the most affected, since she had the physical and emotional connection with the unborn child. The father had this connection to a lesser extent, and so he sometimes may feel very left out of the grieving process. It is not uncommon for women to rally around the mother and seek to comfort her, while the father is summarily ignored or expected to move on by himself, and get back to his regular routines, i.e. work, right away. It is important to note that both parents are bereaved, and that both need support and help, perhaps even counseling. While it is true that the physical connection was stronger for the mother, that father, too, has to face the prospect of entering the nursery and slowly beginning to pack up all the carefully laid out bedding, outfits, and other items purchased in anticipation of the birth. Similarly, he, too, will have to face that the only photo he may ever have of his child is the ultrasound picture.
A loss through a miscarriage cannot be healed or made to go away, yet it can be dealt with by openly talking about feelings, seeking professional help, and allowing time for grief for both parents involved.4 There is no hard and fast set of rules to overcoming the grief caused by a miscarriage. Instead, there is a list of don’ts...
- Don’t accuse your partner of not wanting the baby, simply because s/he is not expressing grief like you are
- Don’t listen to “friends” who chide you for net being “over” it
- Don’t blame your partner or yourself for the loss...miscarriage is not something either one of you could control
- Don’t keep your pain bottled up inside you; instead, let it out!
SIDS
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is, next to a miscarriage, the most traumatic event a parent may ever experience. A modern-day scourge neither eradicated nor its causes found, many a parent will suffer greatly from feelings of inadequacy (of keeping their baby alive), guilt (for engaging in behaviors that have been identified as being possible contributors to the likelihood of SIDS), and anger (often at physicians and other medical personnel). Just like a parent surviving a miscarriage, a parent faced with the unavoidable death of an infant will oftentimes find her/himself alone. Friends and family don’t truly understand and are even a bit afraid of the rawness of the emotion, while others offer well-meaning yet inappropriate advice, such as “have another child right away”. Please know that it is perfectly normal that you should think of your child constantly, and do not feel guilty about missing her/him so much! Even if you will have other children, you will continue to miss your dead child, to think of her/him, and also remember her/him on birthdays, holidays, etc. This is a normal part of the grieving process. The best advice for those seeking to overcome SIDS is to network with those who are in a similar situation. For this reason, please visit Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and Other Infant Death (SIDS/OID) Information Web Site
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