Coping with Grief

Lesson 2: Different Kinds Of Grief

Loss by Choice ... Abortion

No other choice one makes has the potential to bring on the amount of grief as the choice over life and death, especially the life and death of a child. What starts out with the intention of making an informed decision and informed choice about a woman’s reproductive rights, will suddenly, for some women and also for some men, spin out of control into the pain of post-abortion grief.

It is important to note that this is not an isolated incident, and while it does not affect each woman who ever had an abortion, it does affect a large number of women, with the numbers of women who speak out growing daily.3 What the women who speak out seem to have in common are not only the emotions of grief, but also oftentimes the feelings of self-doubt, self-loathing bordering on self-hatred, intense shame, and, for those who are already mothers, problems interacting with their children.

A woman who experiences post-abortion grief may feel alienated from the connection with the sisterhood she felt with other women. Some women feel betrayed by the pro-choice movement, when the particular circles in which they move fail to support her grief or may even feel threatened by the notion that a woman experiences agony over the choice of an abortion. Similarly, some women feel betrayed by the pro-life movement, when a particular group will berate them for having an abortion in the first place, rather than extending a helping hand and a listening ear.

If you are a woman who underwent an abortion only to now realize that you made the wrong choice, take heart! Understand and accept that the grief you feel is real and needs to be dealt with. It will be beneficial to find a support group of women who are in similar circumstances to have a support network when you feel your pain all but choking you. Avoid groups/counselors who will seek to minimize your pain or explain it away; similarly, avoid those that will seek to have you join the pro-life or pro-choice movement first prior to receiving any help or who will claim that you will need to do so in order to heal.

Another group whose voice is heard far less often in the context of the loss of a child by abortion is the voice of men. Many carry the burden of the bloodguilt, having been the instigators and supporters of the decisions, only to later on find that they cannot let go of the shame, guilt, and overwhelming pain this “choice” exacted. Similarly, some may feel pangs of envy when they see fathers with strollers or little children balanced precariously on their hips as they put groceries away. Perhaps they cry silent tears when they hear the children in the neighboring apartment squeal when someone is spraying them with water. Some may ask themselves daily if perhaps they could have done something differently to dissuade their mates from aborting their children.

Traditionally, men are seen as the big bad wolves of the abortion tragedy, the users of women who not only got them pregnant but then abandoned them to their uncertain faiths, condemning them to make a life and death decision that could potentially weigh on their consciences for all of their mortal existence. And, truth be told, the men who fit this description are legion! Yet, there is another group as well They are the ones who begged and pleaded with the women to please allow the baby to be born; the ones who offered a ring in pledge of their sincerity; the ones who were willing to let the women and the children go their separate ways, willing and able to support both financially, if only the children were allowed to live; the ones who suggested adoption, made appointments with the agencies, only to be stood up; and also the ones who sought to protect their unborn offspring with legal challenges, only to be helplessly ordered to stay away while their child was sucked into a sink, never knowing s/he was wanted by at least one parent.

There is a wealth of resources available to help women and men to deal with the post-abortive grief. Some include books, such as A Cry To Be Whole by Michael Mannion. Other resources may be found on-line, such as the After Abortion Page hosted by the Elliot Institute.

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