Coping with Grief

Lesson 2: Different Kinds Of Grief

The Loss of Self ... Child Abuse

The most traumatic event in a child’s life is abuse 2 -- sexual, verbal, physical or emotional. Children will carry the scars of these incidents into their adulthoods, and oftentimes throughout their entire lives. While someone on the outside looking in may not understand reactions that appear out of context or exaggerated, for the survivor of such abuse it often is the only coping mechanism s/he believes to have to overcome the hole the abuse has left in her/his life: the loss of self.

If you are battling with the loss of the childhood you never truly had, the loss of trust, the loss of relationships, and the overall loss of self, please remember that you are not alone:

• Remember that you are a fighter and a survivor!
• While the past cannot be undone, the future holds a promise of happiness and continued healing.
• Healing may take on a variety of forms, such as journaling your experiences, dealing with them within the context of a support group or perhaps one on one with a counselor; yet, what all these forms of healing have in common is the decision to not let the perpetrator’s actions control one more second of your life!

The scars of abuse are something that will never go away completely; they may fade, and the influences on a person’s life may lessen, but they will remain. In cases where they are more pronounced, one might find a person who suffers from severe depression or a variety of personality disorders. Sometimes substance abuse/dependency can aggravate these conditions. Sadly, in a few cases the vicious cycle appears unbreakable, and a survivor may yet succumb to the pain of abuse and take her/his life.

If you are someone who has experienced the loss brought on by child abuse and you do not know how to cope with the grief, anger, hatred, and sheer agony, please know that you are not alone and that other people have made it through it before you. Learn from them! Seek out a support group or an individual counselor who will be able to help you through the worst of the upheaval. The website of Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse is an excellent resource to get you started finding help, support, and understanding.

If you know someone who has experienced the loss of self brought on by child abuse, please know that even if s/he may push you away at times, s/he needs you! H.A.V.O.C.A. has identified a list of don’ts when interacting with a survivor of child abuse, an excerpt of which is:

Please don't...

2. Tell us "it's just sex".
Rape is a crime of power, control, and extreme violence where sex is used as a weapon against someone weaker. It is not sex.

9. Don't tell us it was God's will we were raped.
Do tell us it was God's will that we survived!

13. Don't say, 'it happened on a date, that's common".
When you say that it belittles me and my feelings about the assault. It's not common because it happened to me and I'm not a statistic.

14. Don't tell us to "get over it".
We would if we could and we are trying our best. Support us as we struggle to find our way again.

18. Don't say something like, "Well, it's been six months (a year, 5 years etc.) and ask if we're "over it" yet.
Chances are that we may not be ready to go back to life as it was. We may never be ready and may have to create a new life for ourselves as we learn to be safe again.

36. Please don't say "Oh well, you'll have other dates that will go better."
What happened to us wasn't a bad date, it was a crime committed by a perpetrator.

By extrapolation, this means that you will help a survivor the most when you:

• Take the time to invest yourself in the person’s life
• Reaffirm their inner strength
• Believe in the other person, even if s/he doesn’t believe in her/himself
• Help when you see suicide attempts, substance abuse, or others ways of committing self-harm. Don’t wait until it is too late. If the other person is unable to seek help, do it for them.
• Love the other person for who they are.

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