Lesson 2: Different Kinds Of Grief
Introduction
Grief not only has many faces, it also has many causes. In this lesson we will examine some alternate losses that cause intense grief in some people, while others are unaware of the depth of the loss felt. Similarly, we will also discuss some forms of grief which are accepted by the mainstream as “legitimate” causes of grief. It is imperative to note that while some forms of grief are stigmatized by society in general, such as loss of a loved one due to suicide, it does not matter how a loss came about; the ensuing pain and resulting grief are just as real for the individual experiencing it, whether those on the outside looking in find the cause of the grief “legitimate” or not.
The Loss of a Pet
To many the loss of a pet is a grief as deep and painful as to others the loss of a loved one may be. Pets oftentimes take the places of loved ones who have either passed away or moved on in life, such as ex-spouses or grown children. Offering unconditional love, pets accept their human companions for who they are, not for whom they might change them into. Similarly, many a person who still has much hands-on love to give, yet no longer has children in the house upon whom to lavish such affection, finds comfort in the dependence a pet will have upon its human companion. Lastly, oftentimes a wagging tail or an excited chirp are the only sounds of welcome a person will hear when coming home; often for weeks or years. It is no surprise, therefore, that the loss of a pet can be as traumatic to some as the loss of a person would be.1
With the loss of the pet come feelings of intense grief, but also feelings of self-doubt, guilt, and amplified loneliness. Sadly, many do not take the grief over the loss of a pet seriously, since many project how they would feel in a similar situation. Overtly or covertly, they relay the message to the grieving person that the intensity of their grief is silly or unreasonable; some will suggest to go down to the Pet-Store and buy another animal to replace the lost one; some will simply tell the grieving person to “get over it“.
If you know someone who intensely grieves for his or her pet, or if you have lost your animal companion and feel embarrassed about your grief, please remember that not everyone can understand the bond between a person and her/his companion animal. Yet, simply because others do not understand, does not mean that you should hide your feelings and allow them to build up inside you with no way out.
If you are the friend of someone who has lost a pet, please remember these simple yet much appreciated gestures:
- Gently ask the person about the circumstances of the pet’s death. If a decision was made to euthanize the animal, reaffirm the person’s decision.
- Offer empathy, support and compassion. Do not convey the message that the person needs to “get over it”, or should go out and “buy another pet”. Remember that the other person lost a relationship, not simply an object.
- Write a card to acknowledge the loss of the pet, and also to encourage the human companion left behind. Remember, just because you are not the one grieving the loss does not mean the other person is not feeling it!
The Rainbow Bridge is a virtual pet cemetery that also offers message boards and a chat room.
The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement offers referrals to counselors who help human companions to cope with the loss of their pet
An interesting book that offers also spiritual solace is Do Dogs Go to Heaven? by Jean Holmes.
