Lesson 3: Modern Russian Culture
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
http://www.womenrussia.com/russians.htm
I want you to read, at least some, of this website (the one listed above). It is an informational guide about Russian culture. It is very well written and humorous. But a Russian woman wrote it. In fact, I would suggest reading the entire site. This woman was a Russian "mail order bride". On the site she provides a real look at why woman are interested in such services. It is really enlightening.
A whole course could be devoted to Russian women. But here I only have so much space. Never in my life have I met such down to earth, salt of the earth, spirited, strong, loving, passionate women. I never thought I would meet such women in Russia. We Westerners have such a bleak and bland view of Russia that sometimes we over look the people and their soul.
Russian women are practical. I know many people might disagree and I do not mean practical in a sense that they only count their money or buy the most economical cloths. They are emotionally practical. Romance is not highly regarded in their personal lives. Sure, women love romance, but they know what is real and what is not and what can really be expected past the flowers and chivalry. A Russian woman knows a scoundrel for a scoundrel, but sometimes likes that kind of fun. While convention and tradition may have kept women in a place below men, the women have held the keys to the larder and still do. Husbands come home and hand over their paychecks. When men want a little money for themselves, they take it from the women. When a man is hungry he cries to his wife or to his mother. Co-dependence is a Western concept that Russians will not understand. In Russia a husband and wife are supposed to dependent on one another.
There are reasons beyond tradition for this. Let’s look at it this way. In the last 100 years Russia has had many wars and upheavals. In WWII alone, (not looking closely at official numbers because they say so little about the reality of the situation), let’s say half the population of Russia was killed. While women served as nurses, some as pilots (though very few), the overwhelming majority of people who died in battle were men. Then there were the civilians killed in the sieges, again most of them men. Lastly there were those imprisoned in work camps; again the majority were men. After WWII where were all the men? Where the fathers? Who kept the country and economy going? During WWII and after the war, it was the women of Russia who were mending their broken country and homes. What fathers and husbands were left needed to be cared for because they were invalids or suffered from post-traumatic shock. Boys as young as 14 served in the Russian army in WWII. The Russian family lost three generations of fathers and husbands in that war. The family suffered emotionally because there were so few fathers left. Women were happy to find a decent man to marry after the war, and then descent meant in considerable good health (not missing too many parts), able to do some work, and not completely emotionally unstable. This is a far cry from our western standards of who makes a good husband. But there are still echoes of this familial destruction in today’s Russian family.
Gender roles do have to be viewed as oppression or subjugation. Gender roles are essentially ways of distributing work and tasks along the lines of the gender, in the assumption that one gender can do something better than the other. Gender roles can be rather practical, and do have to be shameful. Gender roles are not set in stone either, rather gender roles are set merely in tradition. When the Tzars still ruled Russia, women were considered the property of their husbands. But after the revolution, women were now free to live a life separate from her family. The obligation to familial chores and care taking remained and still remain today. A woman must care for her family first. Economics gets a woman out into the job market quicker than the longing for a career will. Surprisingly woman can go either way when searching for a job. Either they will follow their entrepreneurial spirit and become businesswomen or they will take a position, which will keep them occupied and bring in a little extra money. But rarely will a woman chose her career over having a family. I’ve seen the ages of 18-22 quoted as being the average age for when a woman gets married. But, frankly, only one of my friends in Russia was married and that one girl had quickly divorced. All of my other friends did not seem really close to marrying their boyfriends, if they had a steady guy. I cannot say if this is the same outside of the city. But from the city life I’ve seen girls are marrying a little later, more like their mid-twenties, despite the stigma still associated with older girls marrying. The young women I’ve been acquainted with hold some career ambitions. They want steady jobs and go into practical areas of study like accounting or business, or at some point in their young adulthood try to receive some training in these areas.
After marriage it is expected that the couple will try to have a child, as it is generally believed that it is better to have kids at a younger age, than to wait for a better financial time. Russian businesses generally offer paid maternity leave and women can return to their jobs up to three years after the child's birth. Plus, women get paid sick days for their childrens illnesses, as well as their own. I cannot say for sure what Russian women were like in Soviet times, but today young Russian women are bombshells and they dress like it too. Mostly young women were little skirts and very high heels, lots of leather and revealing blouses. Their hair and make up is perfect. Russian women are fastidious about their appearance. It is not because they are trying to make up for a lack of intelligence or spirit. Russian women seem like they have it all; they are modern day goddesses. I cannot understand how these women can ever appear to be the archetypal babushka, with the hunchback and the kerchief on their heads. But, I think, this is one of things that is changing in Russia. My mother-in-law while no longer keeping her girlish figure, is proudly a matron, well kept, well dressed, and the picture of appropriateness, as Russian women are obsessed with. Yet for our wedding, she went all out and got her hair dyed two different shades of red. The bottom of the hair was a dark wine color, while on the top, in the shape of pointed flower petals, she had her hair dyed a copper color red, it was pretty wild!!! So, perhaps the archetype babushka is becoming an image of the past, at least in the cities.
Russian men have always been known for their flights of fancy, passionate courtships, brooding nature, and all around manliness (for lack of a better word). Russian men can do anything, with anything, when they put their minds and imaginations to it (except housework!). Macgyver has nothing on a typical Russian man. Russian men attempt to treat women like princesses, and at least before marriage, cater to their girlfriend’s wishes. But the Russian man, alone with his friends is almost always a hooligan! Before I married my husband, my mother-in-law told me that I should treat men like children. At first, I was appalled. My husband, her son, was an adult. He could very live his life very well, without my direct help. But I am realizing that her advice was not aimed only at my husband, but at Russian men in general. In the presence of their wives and mothers, Russian men do not have much personal power. And they just give it right up, without much of a fight. I do not mean they become child-like, but they want and need to be taken care of and, in a way, coddled. When Russian men are out and about the city they ooze machismo, but take a step into their home, or their parent’s home, and they are powerless. Russian women have figured this out. In the end the woman, mother or wife, will get her way. They have this subtle form of manipulation down to an exact science. But, a Russian woman loves her husband and needs him for other things than to rule the home life. A husband and father is a protector, and will usually handle problems outside of the home. A Russian husband is the family representative in all external and legal functions (like buying property, settling disputes, and any other potentially unpleasant situations), he is the family member you turn to when you have problems and need help.
