Christian Parenting 101
Lesson 5: How does a single Parent set up a Christian Household?
Many a time single parent households are viewed as a problem. Society seemingly blames them for everything that is wrong, churches see them as chronically absent, and their extended families may also not be too kind.
“Children of divorce do worse academically, are more prone to delinquency, are more vulnerable to the appeal of substance abuse, are more likely to bear a child out of wedlock, and are less equipped to enter marriage themselves.” (1)
“Almost 70 percent of young men in prison grew up without fathers in the home.” (2)
“Boys living in a fatherless home are two to three times more likely to be involved in crime, drop out of school, and get divorced. Girls living in a fatherless home are two to three times more likely to become pregnant teenagers and have their marriages end in divorce. “ (3)The above are comments typically made about single family households and their outcomes. While it is true that single parent households are not the ideal, it is also incorrect to assume that the children will be automatically disadvantaged. After all, nobody would dream of daring to hold these statistics over the head of a widowed parent. So, how can a single parent household combat society’s double standard, while at the same time fulfill the role as parent God gave them?
(1) “Real Women Stay Married,” by Susan Orr, Washington Watch, June 2000.
(2) “American Agenda,” World News Tonight with Peter Jennings, January 12, 1995.
(3) “Heading Toward a Fatherless Society,” by Barry Kliff, MSNBC News, www.msnbc.com, March 31, 1999.
Victory through Stability
Divorces, the loss of a spouse, or the chronic uncertainty of an absentee biological parent, place an enormous amount of stress on the shoulders of the left behind parent. If one adds to that the unshared burden of parenting, it is no wonder that many a single parent feels hopeless, lonely, and overwhelmed.
Additionally, the single parent must overcome the pain, anger, and hurt the children may feel toward the absentee parent. At this juncture it is vital that the single parent realizes that s/he is not at an automatic disadvantage, but has God who will become the missing spouse (1), and just as He cared for Hagar when she felt cast aside (2), He will also take care of the single parent. It must be noted that single parent households will need to realize and counteract a number of challenges:
- Children may feel stigmatized
This is true especially during school activities or during the holiday season. At this juncture it is crucial for the parent to offer stability. Allow the child to ask questions, and seek to redirect her/his feelings of loss to feelings of belonging. While it is correct that one parent is missing, the other one is still there, and ready, willing and able to do everything that two parents can do. - Children may feel confused
If the loss of the other parent is new, regular family rituals have been interrupted. Children at this point need to reinvent their position within the family structure and sometimes this leads to anger and aggression, or if turned inward, it becomes a feeling of guilt. The parent must engage the child in a dialog, allow her/him to vent, and also coax out the feelings a child may have. The child needs reassurance and help in rebuilding traditions or creating new ones. Children at this juncture must have the opportunity to have some control over the situation (within reason). - Children may feel angry
Anger is a normal emotion and the child needs to be taught how to express her/his anger properly. Children at this point need to be gently but consistently taught to forgive. Nursing the grudge a child holds against the missing parent will do little to help her/him to move on and overcome the negative feelings in the long run. Subsequently, there should be no parental evasiveness in communication but an age-appropriate dialog.
(1) Isaiah 54:5-8
(2) Genesis 21:17-21
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