Christian Parenting 101

Lesson 4: Which Methods of Discipline are right, which are wrong?

The Success of all Discipline rests on its Enforcement

By now, you are probably wondering just what to do. To spank, or not to spank? Time out or not? To ground or not to ground? Here is a list of tried and true Biblical principles that will aid you in reaching your child’s heart, instead of just disciplining away the behavior:

• The simple reprimand
  This is the most often used form of correcting a child. We might tell little Johnny, “please don’t play soccer inside the house.” We might also explain why it is not a good idea to play soccer in the house, and by allowing him to come up with possible things that could happen if we let him play with his ball inside the house. This sets the stage for a dialogue where little Johnny learns what is on his parents’ mind when he plays ball in the house, but where he can also share what is on his mind. It is important to note that too often parents simply bark commands at children, instead of engaging them in some heart to heart communication, where the child will also be heard. The former does nothing to help a child understand the rules, the latter is Biblical. (1) At this time, the parent will have the opportunity to help the child explore better alternatives, and also show compassion for the child’s point of view.
• One strike, you’re out
  Following on the heels of the simple reprimand is a one-time warning. Mom may say to little Johnny who chose to ignore her reprimand, “please stop playing soccer in the house right now; I am warning you that you are breaking a rule.” Little Johnny is now on notice that further consequences will follow immediately if the warning is not heeded.
• Time-Out
  At this point little Johnny has decided to ignore his mother’s simple reprimand and her warning that he is breaking a rule; now is the time to act. Many a mother may fall into the trap of saying, “well, wait till your father gets home“; this is an error in disciplining, since it will allow the child to rationalize his actions, and since it will create a fearful atmosphere within the house. Instead, little Johnny may find himself in time-out. Time-out may be his room, a corner in the living room, or any other neutral place devoid of entertainment, television, or games. Instead of setting the egg-timer to 3, 5 or 10 minutes, little Johnny will stay in this isolation until he is ready to a) apologize for his defiant behavior and b) has a totally changed heart.
• Deprivation of toys/loss of privileges
  Let’s say that shortly after coming out of time-out, little Johnny is again playing soccer inside the house. At this point, mom will simply ask little Johnny to come over and bring his ball to her. Mom can now confiscate the ball and tell little Johnny that he will not be allowed to play with it for two days. Little Johnny is now forced to see the consequences of his action carry on for two long, soccer-less days.
• Restitution
  Let’s say that little Johnny receives his ball back after two days have elapsed. While he has learned his lesson, the actual learning experience is only short in duration, and within hours he is back in the house, playing soccer, and breaking a vase. At this point, mom will need to again confiscate the ball, but also insist that little Johnny will pay for the vase. Since he does not have a job, and since savings should not be used for something of this nature, little Johnny will now receive extra chores, which will be taken in lieu of financial restitution. He might wash the car, skip soccer practice with his team to help dad rake the leaves in the yard, etc. All of these assist Johnny to create an in-dwelling sense of responsibility for his own actions.
• Spanking
  Yes, spanking is a Biblical principle, if applied correctly. (2) Spanking is not the same as hitting, punching, kicking, or shoving a child. These are child abuse. Spanking is not done in anger, with rage, or out of frustration. This is child abuse. Instead, a spanking is the end of the road of corrective measures that were attempted but failed. A spanking is always done in private, away from siblings or friends. Do not seek to embarrass you child by making an example of him. If little Johnny is again playing soccer in the house after all the foregoing ways of discipline failed, mom should now spank him. With a calm voice, prior to administering the punishment, she needs to explain to him why he is receiving the spanking. She may then use a designated tool, such as a wooden spoon or a paddle to spank him. Please note that only a flat object should be used to spank a child, nothing that has sharp edges that could in any way harm him. Additionally, having an “official” spanking tool will give the whole situation more weight, and it will prevent the parent from just wildly slapping their child. Spanking should be done on the rear, so as not to harm the child physically. Spanking anywhere else on the body may cause injury. After the spanking, there must be resolution. The child should already have a complete understanding of why he received the spanking, and at this time he should make a complete apology. The parent must now forgive the child, and not hold the offense again him anymore. Finally, it is noteworthy that spankings should be rare, and only administered for the most egregious acts of defiance.

It is important to note that each principle must be applied in the right time. For example, to spank a child for a minor infraction or for an error would be the un-Biblical application of a Biblical principle. Always be guided by the ultimate question: “How will my using this corrective measure serve me to shape my child’s heart?”

---

(1) Proverbs 18:13, 20:5
(2) Proverbs 13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14

Print this page

  1  2  3  4  5