Baby Care: First Year

Lesson 3: Bonding: Building Attachment

Discipline

An attached relationship between you and your baby creates a foundation for guiding her in the future. For attached parents and their children, discipline is based more on their relationship than on rules. Attached children trust the authority of their parents, so they're more willing to accept limits. Attached parents know their children well, so they're compassionate in guiding them.

As your baby becomes mobile, it's necessary to regulate her behavior to keep her safe. Distraction from the potentially dangerous activity is usually all that a baby needs. If she becomes distressed, show her that while she can't have everything she wants, she always has your love. Learn to see the world through her eyes, and accept that her emotional immaturity will affect what she is capable of. Many of her undesirable behaviors are age-appropriate and will disappear as she grows.

You don't have to choose between permissiveness and firm discipline. Develop your own style based on the relationship between you and your child. Help her learn self-governance by your positive example. Punishing your baby's unwanted behavior with disapproval or unrelated consequences actually interferes with her ability to learn self-governance later. Instead, try to stop her unsafe behavior without adding to her unhappiness. Show her that you regulate her behavior out of love and a desire to keep her safe. In time, she will learn to look out for herself. Help her out by providing an environment in which she is free to play and explore, and is unlikely to get into trouble. Tell her what to do, rather than what not to do.

Whatever approach you take to guide her away from missteps and danger, it's important that she never feel that your love and warmth are conditional or that you sometimes want to make her unhappy. You don't have to withhold your love. If she cries when you discipline her, do what your instincts tell you to do--comfort her. She regards herself by how you treat her. Her inner happiness depends on her satisfied expectation of your unconditional love and respect.

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