Breast Cancer

Lesson 7: Breast Cancer & You - It's Not Just Physical

Loved Ones, Friends, Relatives & Everyone Else in Your Life!

If you are a breast cancer patient or survivor, you will never forget the words: "You have cancer". Once you got over the initial shock, your mind was going a mile a minute. Not only do you have to deal with this diagnosis, but you can't hide under a rock. You have to share it with some folks and figure out how to either tell others or closet the fact that you have breast cancer.

There is no right or wrong way to handle this. Some people have their spouse/significant other with them when the diagnosis is pronounced. Others get on the phone right away. Some go home and cry and hibernate. I know that your emotions are a shambles at this point, but trust your own instincts.

I was at home when the phone call came. My then 18 year old son was hanging out in our den with his friend. When I got off the phone, I sobbed quietly. He and his friend came over, gave me a great big hug, and then left me alone. They didn't ask and I like to think that it is because my son could read me so well and knew that I didn't want to discuss whatever was bothering me at the moment. In hindsight, however, I believe it was because he couldn't deal with whatever had "mom" crying.

I locked the bedroom door when my husband came home and told him. He thought I was joking. I got annoyed. This was the beginning of our miscommunication for the next year. Once he got over his shock, he told me that whatever I wanted to do was fine with him.

I chose to tell my parents and 3 children over the Christmas holidays. Poor planning, right? It was the only time I would have them all together. My daughter was a college senior and my parents had just retired south to a warmer climate and golf courses. My youngest son had just begun high school and my middle son was a college sophomore.

I really wanted to wait until after Christmas to tell them, but I couldn't hold it together long enough for that. I was doing a great acting job, making breakfast, checking homework, etc, but inside I was a basket case.

I sat them all down in the living room and said "I have something to tell you. I have breast cancer."

My mother recovered first and asked what she could do for me. My daughter wanted to know if she should take a leave of absence from school. My 18 year old son hugged me and left the room. My 13 year old wanted to know if I was going to die. My father cried. I never saw my dad cry before that day. It broke my heart.

Their initial reactions held true to form for my entire breast cancer surgery and treatment. My husband acted like it would all be just fine. He went to appointments, chauffeured me to the hospital, but was never there for me emotionally. My daughter returned to school, out of state, and graduated summa cum laude. She called at least twice a week and would be my reality check when I needed it. If I was bemoaning the fact that my hair was falling out, she would remind me that I was alive and shouldn't let cosmetic things get me down. My middle son made me tea, drove me to chemotherapy, but refused to discuss my disease. My youngest son worried for an entire year that I would soon be dead. (Make sure you inform teachers, guidance counselors, soccer coaches, etc BUT ONLY AFTER you have discussed this with your child.>

My parents returned home and my mom got me on every prayer list she could - Catholic, Protestant, Jewish - it didn't matter. Mom believes in the power of prayer. So do I to a certain extent. It certainly can't hurt. Dad took 3 days to get over the shock. I finally snapped at him and told him I wasn't planning my funeral, so he shouldn't either. He called me weekly. Mom called daily. (Yes, some days I was a real witch and didn't want to speak to anyone).

Next came the decision about who to tell at work. I discussed it with my husband (we both work in the same hospital). Since the hospital is like a large community, I knew that the news would get out and the rumors would fly. I told my boss, the office staff and then proceeded to fill in the hospital gossips. Before the day was out, most of the staff knew. For me, this was the right decision. I wasn't going to hide my cancer and I thought it would be better if everyone knew, without having to ask, why I was tired, bald or gaining weight.

Close friends, I called. They rallied around and stuck with me the whole time. I guess that's why they are close friends. Other relatives, neighbors heard from the family grapevine. It worked for me.

If you are shy, or quiet, or dating, or in a different circumstance, you might chose a different method of communication. That's OK. It's your life, your cancer - you handle it however you want to. Don't worry about how your mother-in-law, nosey neighbor or anyone else feels, do what is right for you. Go with your gut instincts for this part.

You'll find that once you have made your decision, a weight will be lifted. If you are a spouse, friend, child of a newly diagnosed woman, give her your total support. If that means agreeing with her dissemination plan, or keeping your mouth shut, or positive reinforcement, just do it. The emotional factor is probably stronger than the physical ailments.

http://www-med.stanford.edu/CBHP/General... http://www.abcgonline.com/02_bct/ http://www.siteman.wustl.edu/patient/spe... http://www.bcis.org/GeneralInfo/psyfam.h...

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