Lesson 7: Problem Solving for Success
Behavior Challenges
Many children with disabilities also have behavior challenges. On the other hand, no child is going to be perfect all the time, so all parents eventually have to cope with behavior issues.
There is no magic cure that will work instantly. Only you can teach your child to obey you and you must do it consistently and over a very long period of time. The less time you have spent on discipline in the past, the longer it will take. First we will discuss persistent behavior issues and then we will discuss the ordinary behavior problems every homeschool parent faces. I do not have experience with serious behavior disorders. For these challenges, you will need to consult an expert.
Many children with special needs are spoiled. Sometimes parents feel sorry for a child with serious disabilities and lets the child get away with murder. Other parents blame the disability and refuse to try to discipline the child. This is a common problem with parents of ADHD children. Parents are told their child’s behavior is the result of his disability, and they misunderstand. They feel that the child is incapable of learning self-control, so they do not try. This is extremely unfair to the child. Someday, your child will have to function outside your loving protection. You won’t live forever. I believe that children have a right to be welcomed, and that means teaching them to behave in such a way that they are. My children all have ADHD and all can behave in public. They are certainly not angels, but they are not allowed to use disability as an excuse for bad behavior. Self-control is more difficult for these children, but so is every other part of having a disability.
Since you cannot teach a child you cannot control, you must make discipline a priority, not just in your school, but in your home. The first step is to decide what the rules are. Creating hundreds of rules will confuse your child, especially if he has never had any rules in the past. It is best to prioritize. When my first child was small, I was challenged to count the times I said no in a day. I was startled by how many times I said no, often without good reason. I was so worried about having a “good” child that I got carried away. I made a list of behaviors my child had that I could tolerate even if I didn’t like them, and those I would not tolerate. Often the deciding factor was a question: If I do nothing about this, will she still be doing it when she is eighteen? With this in mind, I did not allow her to throw her food on the floor, because it made a mess I had to clean up and I wanted her to be considerate of others. I did allow her to mix all her food together and pour her milk over it. It was disgusting, but I knew she would outgrow it. One day she tasted her daily mess and said, “This tastes yucky.” I replied, “Then don’t do it anymore.” I didn’t replace her food because I didn’t want her to make the mess and then get new food each day. The next day, she decided not to make such a mess and all was well.
As my children got older, I struggled with creating a set of rules my children could remember, but that would also lead them to be responsible adults. I decided to combine all my rules into five rules and teach them to evaluate behavior accordingly. This took a lot of time initially, but has paid off as they have grown up. For us, the five rules were:
- Be moral. This meant they had to follow any rules required by our religion. Having a religion simplified the process for me, but any parent can and should create some sort of moral code and discuss it with his children.
- Be kind. This rule kept them from hitting or teasing siblings and reminded them to do service for others.
- Be safe. My children learned not to touch hot stoves, run into the street, or talk to strangers. They learned to tell me where they were going and when they would be home.
- Be intelligent. This covered school and common sense.
- Be obedient. Okay, there were some things I wanted them to do that weren’t covered by the rules. I hated having children in my living room who were wearing headphones, since the living room was for conversation. And one day, as I prepared to leave the house, I felt an overwhelming impression that it was unsafe to leave the children home alone. I ordered them to come with me, and as we pulled away from the house, I saw a strange car parked across the street. The person inside was watching us. What would have happened? I don’t know, but my children hadn’t wasted time arguing with me. They understood that something that might usually be okay might not be for reasons only Mom understood. I wanted them to obey.
Once you’ve chosen your rules, discuss them with your children. Tell them what you expect and what will happen if the rules are broken. Then be consistent. It is a nuisance to stop what you are doing to enforce the rules, but if you do not, you will not be taken seriously. You must enforce them every time, even when you are tired, busy or in public. If a child cannot behave in a store, be prepared to leave the store until he is under control.
During school hours, children can be taught that the rules are different and stricter. School is so important that you cannot allow misbehavior to disrupt your learning time, or the learning time of siblings. Insist that children listen when you talk, work quietly at assigned work, treat supplies with respect and obey instructions. Naturally you will be realistic. Don’t ask a child to sit for two hours without a break. Watch for danger signs and prepare to change paths if needed. In general, however, your children will gradually increase the amount of time they can spend working alone.
You can generally cope with discipline problems in the same ways you handle them outside of school. Note that some children prefer time out to school and will misbehave to avoid doing work. If you make it clear the hours you do school mean the hours you actually work, you can avoid this problem. When a child needs a time out, add that time to the school day or include a homework hour in the evening.
