Lesson 3: Catching Up and Moving On
Recovering Socially and Emotionally
When we first started homeschooling my gifted/learning disabled child, I faced far greater challenges than teaching math and reading. I was faced with a child who had been through several very traumatic years with a few cruel teachers. She was afraid of adults and afraid to learn. I quickly realized that the dreaded S word, socialization, would have to become a major part of our lessons. I was amused, though, that public school and not homeschooling had caused this problem.
When a child has developed a fear of adults, either because of unkind school personnel or because the majority of adults in her life are doctors who poke, prod and hurt, parents need to help the child regain confidence. There is no good way to avoid adults. We began by teaching my daughter to make telephone calls. She called field trip locations and asked about their hours. When we found conflicting statistics about the number of Native Americans in our area, she called the Native American museum. She did not have to look at these adults and she could just hang up if she panicked, so this was less threatening.
Next, we taught her to speak to strange adults in professional settings. She ordered meals in restaurants. She asked sales people for prices. She returned items she had purchased. Initially I stood beside her, ready to help when needed. Later, I moved away, ready to join her if she signaled. Finally, she was able to do these tasks comfortably.
We moved on to adults she saw often. She called her church leaders to find out when a meeting was held, and called to ask for rides. In person, she learned to ask for help with a project. She talked to librarians about resources. She knocked on the doors of neighbors to deliver something or ask a question. When she realized most people were kind, she became more secure. We also placed her in community classes where she had teachers who did not care that she had a learning disability. Little by little, her confidence, once so impressive, returned.
A more challenging problem is helping the disabled child regain social confidence with peers. This is a larger problem than can be dealt with here, but we will briefly discuss children who don’t have special social disabilities, but have lost faith in themselves, usually resulting from taunting or neglect by their peers when they were in school.
My daughter once had a teacher hold up her papers and encourage the children to laugh at her work. (She has a writing disorder.) The teacher would ask the children if a child who did work like this belonged in a class for gifted children. While such a teacher is rare, she can have a long-term and serious effect on a child’s social life. Once children are given permission to taunt, they do—even those children who normally would never do so. A child who is teased about his learning or physical challenges is inevitably going to suffer from poor self-esteem. She may be afraid to initiate friendships or even accept those that are offered.
While parents can’t arrange friendships, they can help initiate. I have sometimes been able to identify a kind child and approach the mother. I explain the challenges and ask her to talk to her child about my child’s special needs. I have also tried this with children in church groups. The child is asked to make a special effort to be kind. Sometimes this leads to friendship. I also look for children who have similar interests and suggest my child invite those children over for a craft day or a science experiment or whatever might interest them. Having a planned activity often helps ease the shyness. Choose these initial contacts carefully though. We want our children to meet those who are kind.
Enrolling a child in classes or clubs. Homeschool groups often have other children who have special needs who can identify with the challenges your child has faced. An older child who has recovered can be a valuable mentor.
Try not to get overly involved in these new relationships. Your child may need guidance from you in learning to be a friend, but generally, your child will have to work out her friendships herself. You can’t force anyone to be her friend and you don’t want her to have reluctant friends anyway. Be patient and friendship will come with time.
