Lesson 6: Lesson 6 - Dealing With Difficult Emotions & Behaviors
Problem-Solving
We are all familiar with problem solving strategies. Problem solving models have also been developed for children, which help children to say to themselves “stop” and think before acting. It is especially helpful for younger children to problem solve out loud. When your child is having difficulties, find a time to sit down with him when he is calm, and talk about ways to solve his problems. Have a pencil and paper handy to write down the steps. The younger the children are when you start this process the easier it is for them to implement when they are away from home.
First, tell them when they find themselves getting angry or frustrated, that they need to tell themselves “STOP”, either out loud or in their head. The next step, then, is to ask themselves what they think the problem is. Maybe it is what they are supposed to be doing. Defining a problem isn’t always as simple as it seems. Offer suggestions or help as you go through the problem solving process, but encourage your children to come up with the answers for themselves. You guide and direct and maybe give suggestions.
The third step is making a list of all the possible solutions to this problem. Encourage them to have fun with this. Nothing defuses a traumatic or emotional problem more than giving free rein to outrageous ways to resolve it. If all their solutions are unproductive, you can suggest some more rational ways. In this step, brainstorming means you can put down whatever comes to your mind. In “think tank” groups, many important discoveries have come from brainstorming ideas that seemed totally off the wall and ridiculous.
The fourth step evaluates each of the potential solutions. Explore the possible outcome of each and eliminate the ones that aren’t suitable. Help your child focus on constructive solutions. Create scenarios so he can mentally see why some solutions, such as retaliation or revenge, would not only be unproductive, but potentially hurtful and dangerous. When he has chosen a plan of action, ask him what he thinks will happen. Role-playing what he is going to do can be very helpful.
The fifth step is doing what he has planned and then evaluating the outcome. Let him know that if the first solution doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean he is a failure, it just means you try another solution. Tell him he can talk to himself while implementing his plan of action, which can help keep him on track, evaluate how he is doing, and allow him to alter or abandon the plan if it’s not working. Be sure to get together with him at a later time and talk about how his plan worked. If it didn’t work out, help him pick another one to try. What is important is that your child knows there are many different ways to resolve a problem, and that he isn’t a failure if some of them don’t work out. Children need to feel good about problem solving. Give them lots of praise for their efforts and encouragement.
