Lesson 6: Lesson 6 - Dealing With Difficult Emotions & Behaviors
Anger and Aggression
When children act out aggressively there is some kind of reward or benefit connected to it. Aggression in the short term pays off. The school bully gets his self-image polished by using power over other kids. The older child who is still throwing major temper tantrums holds his parents hostage to his whims. An angry child will act out because he may not know how to deal with his anger, he is frustrated, he hasn’t learned how to delay gratification or moderate his behavior, or he is waiting for some adult to help him establish boundaries! Often, he just needs to be seen, heard and responded to – in other words, it’s the only way he can get his parent’s attention. At that point he is probably deeply discouraged as well as angry, and acting out becomes a cry for help.
It is very important not to react to an aggressive, angry child with physical punishment such as spanking or striking or slapping. You may have to restrain him from doing something damaging or hurtful, but that is different than reacting with physical punishment. If you do, you are simply teaching your child that if you are bigger or angry - it’s okay to hit or use force. Lecturing doesn’t help either. How much do you hear from others when you are angry?
When a child is acting aggressively, send him immediately into a time out – NO COUNTING TO TEN OR GIVING HIM ANOTHER CHANCE - just an immediate, consistent response to any aggressive behavior that includes hitting, pushing, or destroying property! Hopefully you have already talked about time out to your children. This also includes aggressive language that leads to aggressive behavior. Help your child express his anger to you with less volatile language, especially older children. “I know you are feeling very angry towards me right now, but saying I hate you won’t help us resolve this.” And no child should be allowed to hit you as a parent. Avoid aggressive TV shows, especially if your child has aggressive tendencies. Watching action shows and playing with toys that mimic aggressive and violent acts in real life can easily increase the hyperactivity of ADHD children who already have difficulty with self-control. This includes video games! If two of your children are involved in aggressive behavior, send them both to time out! This doesn’t mean that children can’t disagree and have their minor sibling fights that can be ignored. There is a difference.
If aggression is becoming a pattern versus loss of control from time to time, it is crucial that you spend some time with your child. He needs your help and maybe the help of a professional child psychologist. Encourage him to talk. Listen. Don’t judge or use this time to teach him. Validate his feelings. Let him know you love him – unconditionally. This is especially important for ADHD children who often experience a lot of rejection from peers and may be struggling in the classroom as well. When he is already feeling defeated, he needs a friend in his corner, not another critic. Help him identify the things that make him angry or hurt his feelings. Make a list with him. Find less volatile labels for his feelings. Then talk about the thoughts associated with these feelings. This is a good time to teach some anger management strategies. The attached handout on Managing Anger and Aggression should be helpful here.
