Lesson 6: Lesson 6 - Dealing With Difficult Emotions & Behaviors
Children and Difficult Emotions
Learning how to master your responses to what you are feeling is a process that takes time. A young child who is feeling hurt and angry might say “I hate you” to his mom one minute and then come running the next minute to share something important with her. As that child gets older and enters school, even though he has learned more control over himself and his world, he will still struggle with intense and sometimes roller coaster emotions. An “I hate her” one minute can turn into “she’s my best friend” the next. And who hasn’t seen boys “wrestle to the death” only to be out playing ball later in the afternoon as though nothing had happened? It’s important not to over-react to these emotional swings.
ADHD children have even more difficulty with their emotions. They have more frequent and unpredictable mood swings. They can be happy one moment and sad and miserable the next. My ADHD son woke every morning in a bad mood and irritable. With this irritability also came a lethargy, which made early morning routines difficult. Often they dramatically express extreme reactions to situations that another child would simply accept as part of learning. When I was raising my son, any indication that he was doing something wrong was blown out of proportion. “I can’t do anything right!” and he would sulk off, leaving me feel frustrated and helpless. It’s important not to let these emotional patterns manipulate you as a parent. Instead of responding to such emotional reactions, extend a lot of positive encouragement and praise at a later time. Behaviors that are ignored are less likely to continue because there is no reward.
It takes time for children to understand how to handle difficult emotions. When a child is angry and knows what he is not supposed to do, it doesn’t mean he automatically knows what he is supposed to do. If he hears his parents telling him it is wrong to get angry, he might begin to believe something is “wrong” with him as a person! His feeling of being worthless is associated with his perception, flawed or not, of what he believes his parents are telling him about anger.
Besides anger, children (and especially ADHD children) have difficulty with fear, anxieties and frustration. When a child is afraid of the dark, shaming him only makes him feel flawed. When a child is anxious about going to school, these fears are real to him, even if he has difficulty putting his anxieties into words. When a child gets frustrated with homework or playing with his friends, he doesn’t know how to make the necessary changes. Losses are also traumatic for children. You might think it was only a hamster that died, but to the child it was a soul mate, a friend who was always there for him, and gave him unconditional love. You might believe that you got divorced because there were too many irreconcilable differences, but your children might be blaming themselves for it. “If only I behaved more” or “If only I did what I was told”, etc. Parents are often surprised when they learn that their children blame themselves for the divorce the parents are going through.
So what do we do with all these emotions? First, take a look at yourself, because your children are certainly watching how you handle your emotions! Remember children learn more from what is modeled than what you tell them. Do your kids see you owning your emotions versus blaming them on whatever is happening in life at the moment? What do you do when you get angry? Do you talk about getting even? Do you yell and blame others? Do you refuse to talk about it and go off sulking expecting preferential treatment because the world was not good to you today? What do you do when you’re sad? Do you allow yourself to cry? If not, why not? Crying doesn’t make you weak - it shows you are human. What do you do when you screw up? Are you always making statements that put yourself down? Are you able to say you are sorry and ask for forgiveness, even from your kids? Do you give yourself permission to make mistakes, own them and learn from them?
When your child is in an emotional turmoil, the biggest help you can be is to be there, listen, encourage them to talk and validate their emotions. “You really feel scared when the light is out in your room!” “You’re so angry you want to hit someone!” “You’re so excited about hitting that home run you feel like yelling it to the world!”
Most of the time they just don’t know how to put their thoughts and feelings into words and anytime you can help a child do that, you are helping him to understand that feelings are okay, that he is okay, and there are ways to deal with them. And it’s an opportunity to problem solve as well.
