Lesson 6: Lesson 6 - Dealing With Difficult Emotions & Behaviors
- Why do I feel the way I do? - Difficult emotions - Children and difficult emotions - So what do I do with all these emotions? - Anger and Aggression - Problem-solving - Homework assignment - Attachments: Managing Anger and aggression
Dealing With Difficult Emotions and Behaviors
WHY DO I FEEL THE WAY I DO? What would the world be like without seeing the wonder of a child’s face at Christmas, or the peace experienced in watching a beautiful sunset, or the love you have for a special person. These are emotions we long to keep in the forefront of our lives. Unfortunately, we also experience less desirable emotions such as sadness, anxiety, fear and anger. Yet, every emotion we experience is important because it gives us valuable information about how we perceive the world, what we value and believe in, and about ourselves. When we experience fear or anger, it signals danger and our body prepares to fight or flee. Anxieties help motivate us to prepare for the future, make changes and goals. Sadness lets us know we mourn the loss of something important to us. The world would indeed be a harsh, cold, and unsafe place without emotions. It is our ability to feel and experience emotions that enrich our lives.
Emotions are the result of what we think and believe about our world and ourselves, and our behaviors usually reflect those emotional responses. They motivate us to act in certain ways. Emotions are neither bad nor good – they just are. It’s not our emotions that get us into trouble; it’s not knowing what to do with them!
DIFFICULT EMOTIONS
Anger is one of the hardest emotions for adults and children to deal with because of the intense velocity and potential destructive energy associated with it. Again, remember that anger and fear are survival emotions. When we understand that it isn’t what happens to us that causes us to do what we do, but rather the beliefs and values we hold about the world or ourselves that create our emotional responses, the easier it will be to help our children with their difficult emotions.
For example: It isn’t your child making you angry. It’s your expectation of how children should behave. It isn’t your in-laws that make you angry, it’s your belief about how they should treat you. It isn’t the traffic jam that makes you angry; it’s your belief that they aren’t moving faster. It’s how you choose to respond to it. People who have an anger problem usually carry a bagful of “shoulds” and “have to’s”, hurts and resentments, and hold high and often unrealistic expectations about themselves and the world. People who get angry but let go of it, tell themselves different things.
"Yes, the children are driving me nuts! I’ll stop what I’m doing, count to ten and pay attention to them, instead of throttling them! Maybe I can re-direct their energy in some way."
"Yes, I get angry with my in-laws, but I can understand that they have different values and traditions. I can respect our differences and will work on ways to establish some positive relationships."
"Yes, I am angry to be in yet another traffic jam, but it isn’t going to get me where I want to go any sooner, so I might as well relax and think of something positive."
"Yes, I really got angry with myself for screwing up, but I’m not a stupid or worthless individual and maybe I can learn from this experience so I don’t make the same mistake. Then it will be a valuable lesson."
These are all examples of where behaviors are altered or modified by altering our thoughts. It doesn’t mean we won’t get angry because we do have expectations and make assumptions about the world. It means we pick our battles carefully and let the little stuff go. As adults, we are responsible for all our responses to whatever is happening. Responsibility means we have a choice! Our initial response might be one of anger, but we have the choice immediately to evaluate why we are angry and what we will do with that anger. Anger and anxiety can be positive motivating forces enabling us to make positive changes. And that is what we want to share with our children. ADHD children in particular, experience a lot of anger, frustration and discouragement because it seems no matter how hard they try, they just can’t measure up to the standards set before them.
