Lesson 5: Lesson 5 - Behavioral management: Part II
How To Respond To Misbehaviors
Before you respond to misbehaviors, ask yourself these questions: Have I told my child specifically what he is supposed to do? Have I set appropriate boundaries and does he understand what they are? Do I get into power struggles with my child? Have I given him choices with established consequences? Am I prepared to follow through with those consequences? Are the rules clear to my child? How do I know? Do I follow through immediately and consistently when my child has not complied? If you are inconsistent, isn’t he learning that you may not mean what you say?
GIVE CLEAR, PRECISE INSTRUCTIONS: Our lives are so busy we often make assumptions and expect others to know what they are. We often make generalizations such as: “I want you to be good tonight at Aunt Martha’s” or “Behave yourself”. When you tell a child to “behave”, what does that mean to him? Tell him specifically what your expectations are, what he can and cannot do!
If we teach social rules and manners at home, our children will probably apply this outside the home as well. If your child is allowed to constantly talk with his mouth full of food at the dinner table, or run around in the house with wild abandon with no thought for breakable things, or constantly interrupt when someone is speaking, it will be difficult for him not to do that when you are out at a restaurant or at a friend’s home.
When giving your child instructions, it is important to have your child’s attention! Make eye contact! If you are working at your desk, stop and look at your child and be sure he is looking at you. Then be specific about what you want your child to do and when you want it done. “Susan, I want you to stop bouncing that ball in the house and I want you to stop now. You may go outside and play with it. Do you understand?” This is an easy enough command and if you have your child’s attention she can easily follow through. You have told her exactly what you want her to do, when, and have asked for her confirmation. If instructions are given for a later time period, ask her to repeat back to you what you have instructed so you know she has understood. “Susan, when you have finished your homework, I want you to set the table for dinner before you go out to play. Be sure you are home by 4:30. Will you repeat these instructions to me so I know you understand?”
Whenever possible, give only one instruction at a time, and keep it brief and easy to understand. Avoid stating instructions as questions or suggestions. Instead of saying, “Don’t you think you should be getting ready for bed now?” say, “Bob, it’s time to brush your teeth and put your PJ’s on. It’s bedtime.” Avoid repeating instructions more than one or two times. Some reminders may be necessary.
State instructions positively. Tell your child what you want him to do rather than what you do not want him to do. They hear lots of don’ts but often are unable to really determine what it is they are supposed to do. And remember it’s okay to thank your children for following instructions and doing what you ask them to do. You may expect a child to obey, but it is still difficult and it helps to be commended for doing something you didn’t really want to do. Your children need to know that you appreciate their obeying.
COMPLIANCE AND TIME OUT As we establish a way to positively reward our children for behaviors, we also need to teach them that inappropriate behaviors will not be tolerated. How can we effectively discipline them? When we ask our children to do something and they don’t comply, a negative spiral often results. Parents demand, child ignores or defies, parents threaten, child argues and continues to defy, and soon parents reach their tolerance level and in anger punish the child more severely than they intended or realize that they can’t go through with the threats and have to back off. Both child and parents lose. The child loses because he has learned that he doesn’t have to comply and the parents lose because they have lost their ability to parent.
Compliance is important. The attached handout at the end of this lesson explains the progression that often occurs with non-compliance. Time out is one way to stop behaviors. Time out should be used for non-compliance, and inappropriate behaviors such as biting, slapping, whining, hitting or doing dangerous things. And it works if it is used consistently, immediately, and appropriately. The attached handout explains fully how to use time out. Children hate to be ignored and hate to be bored. That is punishment.
SUMMARY Again, it is important to remember that ADHD children require more time, patience and understanding as they learn. Along with the discipline for non-compliance and inappropriate behaviors, all children need to feel they are accomplishing things and doing things that are right. That is why it is important, in any behavioral management program, that children feel acknowledged or that there is a reward for doing things right. Later, external rewards aren’t necessary because the inner satisfaction is the reward.
Children want to know that their parents love them unconditionally, that they are their rooting section. They need to know that their parents believe in them, and show it through encouragement and acknowledgement. But children also want to have limits and boundaries put in place (even when they resist and constantly push against them), they want to know that someone is there helping them become responsible adults. Responsibility involves choices that involve consequences. Consequences teach. When we get a speeding ticket, it hurts and we may be angry, but we remember that one of the consequences of speeding is going to result in losing some of our hard earned cash.
If we feel that everything we do is wrong, if that is the only way we can get our needs met, pretty soon that is what we will do. ADHD children need to experience successes. As they do, they develop a positive self-esteem.
