Lesson 5: Lesson 5 - Behavioral management: Part II
Modeled Behavior and Punishment Versus Discipline
MODELED BEHAVIOR Children probably learn as much or more from watching us as from listening to what we tell them. And that is true for adults as well. I believe children want to learn how to do things. Little children can’t wait to help Mom set the table or clear off the dishes or do whatever the adults around him are doing. It is the best opportunity of all to help children get involved in the home. Then help them set the table and clear it. Get plastic plates if necessary. Let them wipe up the spills. Make it fun. Help them pick up their toys and have a story ready to read to them afterwards. Help them make their beds. Kids love to fluff up pillows. It’s a good way for them to use up some of their energy. What is important is that you are involved with them. While you set the standard, you encourage and praise all the little steps towards each goal. Children, just like adults, want to succeed at doing things. ADHD children are desperate for it. They may need more help, more encouragement, more praise and more room to make mistakes. But when you adjust your expectations to that of your child’s capability you are well on the way to helping that child feel good about himself. This healthy positive self-esteem goes a long way when they are out in the world struggling to meet the expectations of school and friends.
PUNISHMENT VS DISCIPLINE,
As children develop and mature, they are learning right from wrong, what is appropriate and inappropriate and what is acceptable and unacceptable within the culture they live in. It is a process that occurs over time. Children learn by watching and modeling the behavior we use and the values and standards we live up to. In fact, if there is a conflict between what a child sees and what you say, they will end up doing what they see, even if forced for the moment to do what you say.
We think of punishment as something that is given or taken away from a child in order to stop a behavior. It usually is coercive in nature (a spanking, shaming, or slapping or an excessive removal of pleasant activities). Punishment works only on the short term, and it usually promotes resentment, retaliation and power struggles.
Discipline on the other hand teaches. It teaches by consequences, both natural and the logical ones we establish. As we give children choices they are capable of making, establishing the consequences and following through, the child learns that their choices have consequences, either pleasant or unpleasant. An ADHD child has difficulty with too many choices, so keep them simple.
A child requires boundaries and rules that provide a structure in their life. Again, this is especially important for the ADHD child. If rules are too strict or unrealistic for their age, the child will find ways to break them and resentment will build. If these boundaries and rules give them the opportunity to achieve good results and feel good about themselves, they will be followed even if the child does not feel like it at the time. Rules are not a substitute for parenting!
Boundaries tell a child what they can and cannot do and where. Rules help children know what is expected of them and why. They can be both general and specific. House rules outline the expectations for specific behaviors and set the standards of conduct for the entire family. If you have a rule that playing ball in the house is not allowed, then that means everyone in the family. If you have chores for the kids, they need to know that you as parents also have chores. Rules include issues of privacy and respect as well. “Knock before entering a person’s bedroom”, or “Problems will be resolved through discussion and not hitting or screaming.” If rules are written down and posted where everyone can see, they are easier to refer to, remember, and follow. Children are ready for house rules when they enter grade school. Children who are younger will respond to rules as you simply state them: “We don’t talk with our mouths full” or “If you are angry, go somewhere and calm down and then come back and we will talk about it.”
Some rules require an immediate consequence, such as talking back, biting, slapping or hitting, whining or doing something dangerous. Talking back means saying things like “I won’t – I don’t have to – I will if I want to – You can’t make me – etc.” These are purposeful behaviors that need to be stopped and time out is an appropriate way to handle them. The attached handout gives a detailed description of how to use time out.
While rules are an important cornerstone to setting limits and boundaries and explaining what is expected of us, too many rules can become regimental and overwhelming. That is why it is so important to put in place rewards for appropriate behavior, and why we spend time in play with our child. When the focus is on what they can do versus what they can’t do, it is positive and rewarding and less confrontational. It is also important to know that rules are not always cast in stone and that “grace” means we understand we can’t always measure up and that that is okay. Rules are used for guiding. Remember that the ADHD child is going to have more difficulty following rules, will need extra teaching time and more patience and time spent in spontaneity and fun. (Samples of behaviors with logical and natural consequences are attached.)
