Lesson 5: Lesson 5 - Behavioral management: Part II
- Responsibility versus obedience - Modeled behavior - Discipline versus punishment - How do you respond to misbehaviors? - Give clear, precise instructions - Compliance and time out - Summary - Homework assignment - Attachments: Time Out Guidelines; Non-Compliance
Responsibility Vs Obedience
We tend to think of obedience as telling children what to do and expecting them to do it, and when they don’t, we punish them so that they will obey next time. But when children obey simply to avoid punishment, the decision to do so and the motivation is coming from outside the child. Obedience without question is important at times and children need to understand that we do expect them to obey. But if choice and consequence are left out and punishment is the only motivation, children will become resentful and find ways to retaliate. And they don’t learn responsibility.
Responsibility requires an internal motivation – a decision – a choice to do something. It may be a hard choice because you don’t like the consequence, but it is a choice nonetheless. When a child becomes responsible, he is likely to make better choices when we are not around.
To be responsible, you need to understand what is to be done and how to do it. It requires acceptance of the task or knowledge that you have a choice and it involves the ability to motivate self. If children are to learn how to make choices and be responsible for those choices, they need to understand that their choices and actions have consequences. Don’t give a child choices he really doesn’t have. Ex: “Do you want to go to the doctor or not?” A young child is not able to make such choices.
We don’t become responsible overnight. It is a process over time. We begin by giving children simple and appropriate choices for their age level. A toddler can’t be responsible for staying out of the street because it is dangerous and it is inappropriate to give him that choice. Even as children grow and mature, you as a parent must determine how capable they are to make appropriate safety choices. When children become teens, the safety issues are more their ability to drive appropriately, whether they are able to say no to drugs, if they follow through with what they say they are going to do, etc. Giving your child choices does not mean you stop being a parent. A child, even through his teen years, needs supervision, guidance, protection and discipline.
Here is an example of choices we can give toddlers. “When you and I have brushed your teeth for bed, then you will have your choice of story for bedtime.” Or, “Tantrums will not get you what you want. If you yell and scream and kick I will leave the room until you calm down and we can discuss this.” These are choices over behaviors that most two to three year olds can handle.
