Focusing On Building A Positive Relationship

The next step in making positive changes is to focus on ways to strengthen your relationship with your child. Remember he already is struggling to fit in, is possibly having difficulty keeping friends, and is constantly hearing about what he is doing wrong! The more a child believes he is “no good”, the harder it becomes to alter that belief! Maybe the first thing we need to do is simply “loosen up” and “let go” of our high expectations. Kids are going to spill things, break things, and mess up. ADHD children will probably do it more and more often. And we often forget that we mess up, too. If our expectations are too high, children will become frustrated, get discouraged and give up! “What’s the use? I can’t win anyway. I can’t ever do anything right!” A discouraged child is a child who feels he is no good, will never be any good, so why try? He will find someplace to fit in as he gets older, and it may not be where you want him to fit in.

Positive relationships mean you accept your child unconditionally. Then you can work with him to establish appropriate behaviors. Accepting your child unconditionally does not mean you accept his behavior unconditionally. It means you keep the two separate and the child knows he is loved even when he is being told his behaviors are unacceptable and that there are consequences to behaviors. It may be tough love at times, but it is love none-the-less and the child knows deep down he is loved!

Positive relationships begin by attending to positive behaviors, acknowledging them and responding to them, and developing some special one-on-one time with your child. Instead of responding to your child only when he is doing something wrong, start looking for those times when he is doing something right! Then go tell him!! “You are playing so nicely with your sister. I really appreciate that!” “You remembered your homework! Great!” ADHD children need to hear over and over again what they are doing right!

Time is a problem for most families, especially for the single parent or where both parents are working. Time spent with your child is not only necessary and rewarding, but also critical, and it is pre-planned! Here are some ways you can spend quality time with your child:

• Bedtime can be a special time of day. Spend 15 minutes each night helping your child to relax. Ask him about his day! Listen carefully! Focus on the good things that have happened while validating feelings about what wasn’t. As you focus on the positive, your child will come to see the positive things occurring in his life! Give him a backrub or rub the feet. Tell him how much you love him even if you aren’t feeling it right then. You can never tell him often enough.

• Write notes of encouragement, support and love to each child. Put these in his lunch sack, schoolbooks, or on his pillow.

• Develop family customs and traditions that have special meaning for everyone. These can include: saying grace at mealtimes; taking turns thanking someone in the family for special things they did that day; creating special birthday and holiday celebrations, etc. Let your child be an active participant in creating these special times.

• Make mealtimes an important family priority. Eat together at least twice a week with the TV turned off. Discuss things that are important to all of you. Avoid hurtful confrontations or discussions at the dinner table! Have each person share one positive or pleasant thing that happened to them that day. Sometimes, we are so busy focusing on all the things that went wrong, that we fail completely to recognize the things that went well!

• Hold family meetings. While Mom and Dad are in charge, each member can be allowed to talk about things that are important to them. This is a time to make plans for the future, establish family rules, etc.

• Devote special time to play with your child, allowing him to lead.

• Take your child out alone for a special treat of hamburger, etc. Just one-on- one and focus on finding out what is happening in his world! And LISTEN!

This time needs to be quality time not quantity time. Small amounts of focused time on a continuous basis can go a long way in helping your child know you love him and believe in him!

Understanding, validating, accepting and advocating for your ADHD child does not mean:

• your child is allowed to misbehave
• your child can use your love as an excuse to do what he wants
• your child can be abusive to you as a parent or to other people
• your child can avoid doing chores, school work, or follow rules
It does mean that you:
• develop better coping skills for you and your child
• have more supervision, especially in the early years
• create structure in his life with fewer choices
• put in place a positive behavioral management program
• develop greater participation/cooperation between yourself and teachers
• teach social skills, attending skills, and problem-solving skills
• work on self-esteem issues

A word about Play:

Play is children’s work! When your child is playing, it is not wasted time or just idling away time. Children are developing motor skills and social skills during play. They often act out their problems and emotions through play, and it is a way for him to work through and master quite complex psychological difficulties. Even when a child seems to be “wasting time”, inner processes are motivating him: desires, problems, anxieties and fears. By playing out what might seem to be insurmountable problems in his life, he may begin to cope with these problems in a step-by-step process. Play is symbolic of what he can’t really put into words or even understand.

Play can be described as a window into the child’s inner world. As we watch a child play we gain an understanding of how he sees and constructs meaning about the world, what he would like it to be, and what his concerns and problems are. As we play with our child, we can learn a lot from him as well as being a positive influence.

There is a difference between play and games.

Play refers to a young child’s activities characterized by freedom from all but personally imposed rules (which are changed at will), by free-wheeling fantasy, and by the absence of any goals outside the activity itself. (Running down a hill, hunting for insects, having a tea party with friends, etc.)

Games, however, are usually competitive and are characterized by agreed-upon, often externally imposed rules, by a requirement to use the implements of the activity in the manner for which they are intended and not as fancy suggests, and frequently by a goal or purpose outside the activity, such as winning the game.

A child can only enjoy games when he is able to control himself and abide by rules, and is able to control most of his tendency to act aggressively to reach his goals. Obeying the rules, controlling one’s selfish and aggressive tendencies is not something that can be learned overnight; it is the end result of long development. This may be difficult for the ADHD child. An ADHD child will often play games like he does when simply playing, which involves changing the rules to suit his own whims until the game finally breaks down. It takes him longer to learn that rules are not to be broken or constantly changed. However, when he reaches that developmental level, he then might take the opposite approach and treat rules as though they were written in stone and simply cannot be transgressed in any way or under any circumstances and to do so would be a serious crime!

When an ADHD child is having difficulty with games, it is usually because he is not winning. If rules are too restrictive, he can’t handle it! Losing makes him feel defeated. His self-esteem is threatened and in order to feel good about himself again, he reverts back to a “play” level where the rules do not apply. Comments such as, “come on now, you’re acting like a baby”, only make it worse. Parents often feel they must insist that the game be played according to the rules resulting in criticism and pressure. However, this only aggravates his sense of defeat. For a child playing a game, it becomes a serious undertaking when the outcome of the game is tied to his feelings of self-esteem and competence. Some children are so threatened by losing, that they will take liberties or take extra turns or move more spaces, often sneaking them in. If we hold them to the rules too strictly, they may harbor the inner feelings of dejection and disappointment. If we ignore a lot of this, over time the child will develop a sense of mastery and will cheat less and less as he gains in maturity. Winning makes him more and more secure about his ability to hold his own in the game. When a child is having difficulty with a game, make this suggestion: “Let’s play something else”. And then suggest an alternative game that makes the odds at winning easier.





1  2  3   

Print this page