Lesson 2: Effective Parenting
Setting Boundaries: Parental Privacy
Children have certain rights. So do parents. One is the right to privacy. Being a parent doesn't mean you or your home become communal property. We need time and space to call our own. Many parents have never requested privacy for themselves. It is almost as if becoming a parent robbed them of their individual identity. Their children routinely get into their personal items, their computers, mail and more.
How can we expect our children to see us as people with feelings and needs if we don’t ask them to respect our spaces? Take for example, the family bed. Many studies have shown that sharing a bed with your children has very positive benefits for them. But what about the parents? A relationship needs continually nourishing in order to be healthy and strong. Lovemaking is a big part of the picture. If children see your bed as their territory, where and when do you make love or have a private talk together? And like so many couples I know, many end up sleeping in their children’s beds because theirs have been taken over.
Is this healthy for your marriage? Children eventually grow up and leave the nest. If you haven’t taken the time to focus on your spouse, what is left? After infancy, I believe it is fine if a child is ill or has a nightmare to come into your bed once in awhile. But if this happens on a regular basis, it sends the message that you have no identity or needs of your own. Your bedroom needs to be seen as a private space that requires permission to enter. This is not harsh. It is simply saying that as an adult there are spaces that children are not allowed.
The same goes for other areas of your home. Your computer is not a toy. It is an expensive piece of equipment. Children should ask permission before using it, and if they are destructive with it, they should be stopped from going near it.
Small children need to ask before getting something from the kitchen. Allowing them to climb on counters is not only foolish, it’s dangerous. They could fall and hurt themselves badly, or access medications or poisons. By teaching them to ask first, you enforce the idea of boundaries and help them learn good manners. If you want your children to feed themselves, then set the utensils, food and plates at the table where a child can safely reach them.
In the bathrooms, makeup, mouthwash, blow dryers and other items should be strictly off limits. If a child destroys an item of yours, the removal of their favorite item for a pre-set time will teach them not to do this again. If it happens again, they will lose the toy forever.
Too many of our children have been allowed to dominate the lives of everyone around them. Teaching them that there are limits to where they can go and what they can do are key factors in helping them behave appropriately outside their homes.
Think about the ways in which you have set privacy standards in your home. If you haven’t, why not?
