Lesson 2: Effective Parenting
Giving Too Much: A Mixed Message
As parents, we all want our children to have the very best we can give them. We want our kids to be happy. It also reinforces our own sense of self esteem to be able to provide them with the latest toy or video game. In many homes, children as young as 4 have personal PC”s, gaming systems, TV’s VCR’s and phones. As soon as the hottest new game, movie or toy appears, parents rush out to get it for them.
Ask yourself these questions: What do these children have to look forward to? What happens if a job loss or injury occurs and you can’t give them these things any more? Most importantly, what did they do to earn them?
When my boys were 2 and 3 years old, they had 4 toy boxes filled with toys. I began to notice they played with very few of them, and were always wanting something more. They also were destructive, breaking toys and leaving them everywhere. During this time, Cameron, who is autistic, was being seen in our home by a behaviorist. Steve, after watching both boys play, made the observation that they seemed overwhelmed by the sheer amount of “choices” they had to play with. Justin had casually stomped on and broken a third toy that day.
When Steve asked him why, he said "Mommy will just buy us a new one." Right then and there, a “new” way of giving was put into place. I asked the boys to choose their 3 favorite toys. All the rest were bagged up and donated to a local children’s shelter. They were very unhappy campers. With Steve’s help, a plan for earning new things was put into place, and all giving was restricted to mainly holidays and birthdays.
My husband and I had set up the conditions for producing selfish, demanding children. We gave out of a need to impress everyone with our ability to give our boys everything they wanted. How very sad for all of us. By giving too much without expecting anything from them, we robbed them of the human need to dream and reach out for the stars. Our children need to understand how the world works and that earning things is how we get on in life. If we don’t teach them this, then as adults they can’t find a comfortable way to fit into our society. Some children turn to crime to get what they have been taught to believe they’re entitled to.
How would you go about changing the way you give things to your own children?
