Parenting 101

Lesson 3: Family Time

Encouraging Family Talks

How do you talk with your children? The way we communicate with our children has a direct effect on their behavior. Some parents, believing children are little adults, expect them to comprehend everything they say and become frustrated and disappointed when they don’t. At the other end of the spectrum are the parents who talk down to their children, assuming they are nothing more than semi-literate savages, who must be controlled. Somewhere in between are the parents who are able to communicate with their kids at an understandable level.

A 2 year old will become confused by lengthy directions. So for example, telling a toddler: go to your room, pick up your toys and wash your hands, will get lost somewhere after go to your room. A much more effective way to do this would be to walk the child to her room and ask her to pick up her toys. Once that task is completed, you then lead her to the bathroom and help her wash her hands. Toddlers are often so busy absorbing input about the big bright new world they live in, they aren’t able to focus on one thing for very long. Assuming they know exactly where to go and how to do as you ask is assuming way too much.

The 6-8 year old may be able to totally focus on what he is doing, especially if he enjoys it. One useful tool is to allow the child to finish what they are doing before asking them to help with something. This shows them 2 things: consideration for their needs and that you are fair. Helping a child stay on task at this age is very difficult. If they are having difficulty doing assigned chores, sit nearby and talk with them while they work. Offer encouragement and praise for doing things right and completing a job. They will begin to associate chores with family time. This may be a quiet moment to talk or share a joke.

If you are always hurried, abrupt, or dismissive of what your children have to say, they will have great difficulty telling you when things are wrong. If your first reaction is: “ oh, stop being so childish”, how can you expect them to share their hopes, fears and dreams with you? They ARE children after all, not miniature versions of us. They have their own unique personalities and ways of looking at things. Don’t you recall as a child or as an adult, someone making light of something that truly mattered to you? It hurt didn’t it?

In talking with your children, give them your full attention, and try and listen to what they have to say. Often, they are only seeking validation of their feelings, and not a whole bunch of input. Simply saying, “Yes, I bet that did hurt”, or “I can really see why that scared you”, lets them know that you really do understand what they are going through. A hug and a quick kiss and they’re good to go, until the next “thing” comes along.

For the next week, pay attention to the way you talk with your children. Pay attention to times when you tend to “dismiss” what they are saying.

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